Yummy in my Tummy

IN ALL THINGS GIVE THANKS 2: DAY 4

Today has been kind of a dreary day.  Started the moment I got out of bed and took a peek outside.  At that moment, I watched the wind whipping the trees and the rain into a regular frenzy.  Uh uh.  I was not about taking my walk in THAT.  So to the elliptical I went.  Better than nothing!

I'm also finding that I am not transitioning well into this fall weather.  Short days.  Dark clouds. No sunshine.  My vitamin D levels are TANKING.  It all makes me so tired.  Doesn't help that this perimenopausal stuff makes sleeping optional. haha.  I thought my work day would never end.  

One thing that makes me smile each evening lately is some peppermint ice cream bars that have been on sale at Costco. I don't usually like to reward myself using food; but, maybe I'm not really rewarding myself.  Just my little evening delight.  

The other night, I went down to get my little treat, and  new that it would be time to open our second box.  *sigh* My little stash is almost gone for the season.  Somewhere....some time....my sweet Tim bought a *third* box!  Yay! My little evening food "spa" can continue for a little bit longer.  

Thank you, love!

Some people in my life....

 IN ALL THINGS GIVE THANKS 2: DAY 3

I'm finding that I am out of practice giving thanks!  I forgot to do one yesterday.  I'm going to give myself some grace.  Of course now that I've committed to being thankful again, I'm finding myself under attack and finding myself worn down and discouraged.  Of course!  Could I expecxt any less??

There is one part of my life, though, that is a bright spot in my days.  I'll be honest.  I wish I was still a stay at home mom.  I miss having my own schedule....doing my own things....and not having to get up at 5:00 a.m. to get to work.  BUT....Jesus placed these lovely ladies in my life to work with.  I couldn't be more thankful for them.  If they weren't there, I'd probably go looking for another job! Thank you, Jesus, for Rosalee and Natalie!  

Together Again

IN ALL THINGS GIVE THANKS 2.0: DAY 2

 Two and half years ago, I left the church that I had been attending for 30+ years.  A big part of my Upheaval.  When I went, it was one of the times I felt like I heard God speak so clearly.  He said Go.  I went.  

One of the most difficult parts of that Going, was that my. husband didn't Go with me.  Here I was torn between what I felt God said to me ("I'm taking you out to protect you.") and my husband saying to me (I don't want us to be apart for long.) That was a rough place to be. 

I left on my own.  Where God sent me, I felt like it was another clear moment of God speaking and directing me.  I thought that I would enjoy the church shopping I would do.  I mentally listed the things that were important to me in a church.  Then I began to search.  

I was quickly overwhelmed.  My heart was battered (had been battered for a lot of years.)  I was battle weary.  I needed a place to hide.  I needed a place to rest.  I needed a safe place to land.  

In my searching of local churches (online), I felt super-impressed to attend one in particular.  No audible words from God....just a Knowing to Go.  So I went. I spent the whole service feeling like every song, every word was spoken just for me.  I cried through the whole service.  

My church shopping didn't last long!  I've now been attending that church for two and a half years.  

In my hiding, I became very good at slipping in and out the doors without talking to anyone.  (I needed Jesus, but I wasn't so sure about His followers!) Slowly I started to put myself out there.....and I do mean slowly! It is so hard to "break in" to a new church, particularly when you're wounded.  

It took over two years for my husband to finally heed the nudge to leave our former church.  As of July, he's been attending my new church with me.  Yes, that is today's thankful post.  I am so thankful that Tim is attending church with me.  He's not phased by the mess that was our former church. He's not phased by people.  In the few months that he's been attending with me, I've met more people and have become more involved.  I'm so very thankful he is with me.  I feel safer.  I feel reconnected to him in ways that were different before.  

I wish that I could say that after two and half years away from my trauma that I was healed.  I think that will take awhile.  What it will look like, I can't say.  I know that there are certain things that I long for and pray for...like the return of my voice.  The lessening of anxieties.  The return of trust in others and in my self.  

In the meantime, I pray and I wait....but most of all Give Thanks.  

Taking Back My Voice

 IN ALL THINGS GIVE THANKS Day 2.1:

The year 2020 was a stinky year.  I'm not going to revisit all the stinkiness because we all have our own stink about 2020. One thing that was good for me that year was that I started a spiritual discipline using social media platforms.  I chose to give thanks, in all things, every day until the pandemic was over.  It was only suppose to be a two week "interruption" into our lives.  Of course, the pandemic went on and on and on.  As did my daily thanks discipline.  At the moment, I don't remember the final count of continual days of thanksgiving, but I do remember that I made it to over 1000 days of giving thanks.  That was almost 3 years.  

I loved this discipline.  I'm a pessimistic person by nature.  I often like to say that I'm not being pessimistic, I'm just be realist.  Tomato.  Tomahtoe.  I loved that in the midst of every day I would find something to be thankful for.  Sometimes it was something big.  Often times something small. Yet, ultimately, always thankful.  

I can't begin to tell you the good that did for me.  

Believe it or not, though, I believe that my thankful discipline was inadvertently part of my Upheaval.  Since I posted my thankful posts on social media, my friends saw them every day.  I believe it led some certain "friends" to assume certain things about me.  Which led them to assume other things about me.  My son once told me, that assuming things makes an ass out of you and me.  ASSUME That has stuck with. me. Great way to catch myself assuming things!

All of that to say, I found myself no longer feeling safe putting anything of myself out for others to see...to misuse....to misunderstand.....whatever.  I tried a different method of social media posting....a little more private...as some friends were encouraging of my posts.  Ultimately, I just couldn't any more.  Trust broken is a hard thing to fix. 

Fast forward a couple of years to last night.  I wrote my first post in a couple of years.  I've missed writing.  I've missed my Voice.  How do I get it back?  After I hit publish, I felt God prompting me that my Blog was the place to restart my Thankful posts.  I use to write quite a bit here and I loved it.  Without a voice, though, I found that I have had nothing to post.  Oh...but...I can always find something to be thankful for.  

So here we go. I feel safe here. This is MY space.  I loved that it was ME here...in my words...my stories...my thoughts....my faith. I may never broadcast to anyone that I am writing again.  Maybe some day I will.  For now, it's just me. I'm so glad to be back to being thankful.  Putting it down somewhere "permanent."  Being disciplined.  Using my words.  Maybe in this, I will find that my Voice, my words, will come back.  

Thank you, Jesus, for the reminder of this space.  For the glimmer of passion that I feel sparking in the undercurrents of Me.  

Help me to be faithful.

Have You Seen My Voice?

 I've spent the last hour or so rereading some of my past posts.  I started off reading the posts I made almost two years ago.  The basis around them was the Hope that I was healing from a great Upheaval.  I'm fighting the inclination to place the word Hope in quotes as I have found that healing from Upheaval (a.k.a. abuse: I can finally say that word) never seems to be complete.  It is hard.  It is layered.  It is dimensional.  

*sigh*

Sometimes I think that I should stop calling it healing.  Healing implies restoration.  I'm not restoring anything. There is no going back to the Christine that was.  No going back to the places that were.  There is no going back.  There is only going forward.  There is only finding new ways.  New places.  New everything.  

I don't like new.  

Reading my posts from way back, though, there is much that I miss.  I could list all that I miss, but I am going to resist.  

I mostly miss my Voice.  

I had things to say.  I said them.  I said them well.  Not perfect....but well.

That big Upheaval in my life, abuse, trauma....the results of that hang around awhile.  It isn't always in my face like it use to be....but I find that I notice it the most when I try to use my Voice.  This last week, I likened it to the Flight or Fight response.  Guess which one I am?  Flight for sure!  I wish that it was actually with my feet that I would fly....but its my words.  Even now, as I want to just spit all this out, my words don't come smooth.  Thoughts are jumbled.  Incoherent? Messy.  

How does one fix that?  Jesus and I talk about it quite a bit.  I know that He hears.  I guess His answer is: Not Yet.  

Not a great post.  This is really just for me.  Maybe some day I will look back at this post and realize that Jesus finally healed my fears, anxieties, brokenness and has given me a New Voice.  

I hope so.  

Rollercoasters

I used to think I liked rollercoasters. I used to think I was one of the cool kids. Bring it on!   I was wrong. So. Very. Wrong. 

A few years ago, we went as a family to Silverwood. I tagged along with my daughter and my niece and we hit all the big coasters.  Looking back on it, I don’t think I liked any of them. I kept trying them, thinking this one would be different. Of course, they weren’t.  I should have been a better wife and let my husband hang with the girls while I hung with the child who had a fear of heights.  We both would have been so much happier. 

As I think about that, I shouldn’t have been surprised that I didn’t really like the big coasters. Several years before, I convinced Tim I wanted to go sky diving. My friend had done it and she loved it. I was convinced I’d love it too.  So we jumped out of a perfectly good airplane! When  I finally caught my breath after the acceleration ripped it right out of my lungs, the only part I really enjoyed was when the parachute finally caught and I could stare in awe at the beauty from so high up as we floated back to earth.  

Face it, Christine.  You are not a thrill seeker or an adrenaline junky.

Yet, I love heights. I love the fantastic view from the top of Mt. St. Helens. I love wind whipping my hair at the top of the Astoria Column. I absolutely adored the calm, peaceful floats in a hot air balloon. I was totally in awe of the sights from the top of Masada in Israel.  Give me those kind of thrills.  

Sometimes, my spiritual/emotional recovery is a bit like that rollercoaster…..and I want off!  The last day or so, I feel like I took a dive off the edge. Not. A. Fan. That dive on a real coaster really does nothing good for me. Puts my body in panic mode. Every part of my body holds its collective breath until something catches and the free fall ends. 

Several years ago, my friend took me along on some hikes.  We did some amazing hikes that summer. I loved it so much. We started small. Stopped often. Admired the flowers and the wildlife along the way. As we hiked, we got stronger, braver and more trail savvy. We started doing bigger and longer hikes. Then we started inviting others along with us, sharing big, beautiful summits C together.  Beautiful views. Beautiful friends. Beautiful memories. 

Time for a shift in Perspective.  I’m getting off the roller coaster.  I’m strapping on my hiking boots and I’m setting off for the glorious summit of recovery.  No more crazy, gut-dropping, screaming dives.   I’m pressing on, slow and steady. Up this little hill. Down a smidge. A gentle curve here. A little off-road climbing there. Don’t give up. Keep going. Watch that root. No tripping! Just a few more steps.  Ah….the view.  Glorious. Well done! 

 

But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

I'm a Theme girl: BEHOLD

I love themes.  Themes in my day.  Themes in my thoughts.  Themes in the way God speaks to me.  He's driving home a thought.  Wake up!  Pay attention!  This is important. Christine.....BEHOLD!  

I've come to love this word, BEHOLD.  My church used it as their theme during Advent.  I loved the definition that the pastor used.  He said behold means..."don't miss this"...."Be sure to see this." Apparently, in the King James Version, the word BEHOLD is used over 1,000 times!  There must have been a lot that God didn't want His people to miss.

So when I see themes throughout my day, I try to stop and BEHOLD.

I've been praying through Psalm 57 the last couple of days.  It is a psalm of David that was written when he was hiding from Saul in the caves near the springs of En Gedi.  

  

Saul was out to kill David.  Saul had lost God's anointing and favor as king of Israel.  David had been anointed and called to be the next king.  Saul knew he had messed up.  He was angry and set out to kill David.  David fled to the desert.  Tim and I went to Israel in November 2022.  (a dream come true!)  The above pictures were taken at the springs of En Gedi.  I highly doubt the caves I took a picture of were any that David hid in....but it was fun to imagine!  This spring was amazing...because the desert that surrounded it was the most barren stretch of land I had ever seen...for as far as I could see.  Crazy to imagine that anyone or anything could survive out there...but David sought refuge and safety in this desert.  

"Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious and merciful to me, for my soul finds shelter and safety in You, and in the shadow of Your wings, (speaking my birdy language here!) I will take refuge and be confidently secure until destruction passes by." Psalm 57:1 

David praises His God in the midst of this horrible trial.  He knew that God had promised him the kingdom.  The time just was not right yet.  He never lost faith that God would fulfill what He said He would fulfill.  

"I will cry to God Most High, who accomplishes all things on my behalf [for He completes my purpose in His plan.]" Psalm 57:2

"My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast and confident! I will sing praises [to You!] Psalm 57:7

I loved these two verses.  For a lot of months, (an eternity, it feels like) I've felt lost in the silence.  Things I thought were solid, weren't.  What's God's purpose for me?  Do I even have a purpose anymore?  David could have easily felt that way as he hid away in a cave surrounded by the barrenness of the desert.  Instead, he sang as he waited. 

 I'm learning to sing as well; and, my heart is steadfast.  That rang true for me today.  I'm claiming that word: STEADFAST. I'm remembering my little thrush sparrow singing in the storm.  She's steadfast.  She's unmoved.  She's still singing. 

The other part of the story about David hiding in the caves as Saul pursued him?  David was given a prime opportunity to make his problem go away.  While David hid, Saul entered the very cave David was hiding in to relieve himself.  Saul was in a very vulnerable position.  David could have killed him without breaking a sweat.  He chose not to.  Saul lived to pursue David another day.  

I follow this lovely account on Instagram.  The author's (Raised to Stay, Natalie Runion) goal is to encourage people who have been wounded by the church, but choose to remain in the church.  God has gifted her! I'm often encouraged by her posts.  Today, she posted this:

David didn't kill Saul when he had the chance so let that be a lesson to us all that revenge doesn't expedite the promises of God. #raisedtostay

I've been wounded by my church.  God asked me to leave my church, and I went.  He also sent me to another church where He's been slowly stitching me back together.  I am in no way seeking revenge on my former church.  The part that run true for me....nothing expedites the promises of God.  There is nothing I can do....or say...or remove....that will hasten the fulfillment of the plans God has for me.  As my counselor reminded me this week, even if His purpose for me is to help only one....it's more than enough.  

Do you see my themes?  Thank you, Jesus.