Rollercoasters

I used to think I liked rollercoasters. I used to think I was one of the cool kids. Bring it on!   I was wrong. So. Very. Wrong. 

A few years ago, we went as a family to Silverwood. I tagged along with my daughter and my niece and we hit all the big coasters.  Looking back on it, I don’t think I liked any of them. I kept trying them, thinking this one would be different. Of course, they weren’t.  I should have been a better wife and let my husband hang with the girls while I hung with the child who had a fear of heights.  We both would have been so much happier. 

As I think about that, I shouldn’t have been surprised that I didn’t really like the big coasters. Several years before, I convinced Tim I wanted to go sky diving. My friend had done it and she loved it. I was convinced I’d love it too.  So we jumped out of a perfectly good airplane! When  I finally caught my breath after the acceleration ripped it right out of my lungs, the only part I really enjoyed was when the parachute finally caught and I could stare in awe at the beauty from so high up as we floated back to earth.  

Face it, Christine.  You are not a thrill seeker or an adrenaline junky.

Yet, I love heights. I love the fantastic view from the top of Mt. St. Helens. I love wind whipping my hair at the top of the Astoria Column. I absolutely adored the calm, peaceful floats in a hot air balloon. I was totally in awe of the sights from the top of Masada in Israel.  Give me those kind of thrills.  

Sometimes, my spiritual/emotional recovery is a bit like that rollercoaster…..and I want off!  The last day or so, I feel like I took a dive off the edge. Not. A. Fan. That dive on a real coaster really does nothing good for me. Puts my body in panic mode. Every part of my body holds its collective breath until something catches and the free fall ends. 

Several years ago, my friend took me along on some hikes.  We did some amazing hikes that summer. I loved it so much. We started small. Stopped often. Admired the flowers and the wildlife along the way. As we hiked, we got stronger, braver and more trail savvy. We started doing bigger and longer hikes. Then we started inviting others along with us, sharing big, beautiful summits C together.  Beautiful views. Beautiful friends. Beautiful memories. 

Time for a shift in Perspective.  I’m getting off the roller coaster.  I’m strapping on my hiking boots and I’m setting off for the glorious summit of recovery.  No more crazy, gut-dropping, screaming dives.   I’m pressing on, slow and steady. Up this little hill. Down a smidge. A gentle curve here. A little off-road climbing there. Don’t give up. Keep going. Watch that root. No tripping! Just a few more steps.  Ah….the view.  Glorious. Well done! 

 

But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

I'm a Theme girl: BEHOLD

I love themes.  Themes in my day.  Themes in my thoughts.  Themes in the way God speaks to me.  He's driving home a thought.  Wake up!  Pay attention!  This is important. Christine.....BEHOLD!  

I've come to love this word, BEHOLD.  My church used it as their theme during Advent.  I loved the definition that the pastor used.  He said behold means..."don't miss this"...."Be sure to see this." Apparently, in the King James Version, the word BEHOLD is used over 1,000 times!  There must have been a lot that God didn't want His people to miss.

So when I see themes throughout my day, I try to stop and BEHOLD.

I've been praying through Psalm 57 the last couple of days.  It is a psalm of David that was written when he was hiding from Saul in the caves near the springs of En Gedi.  

  

Saul was out to kill David.  Saul had lost God's anointing and favor as king of Israel.  David had been anointed and called to be the next king.  Saul knew he had messed up.  He was angry and set out to kill David.  David fled to the desert.  Tim and I went to Israel in November 2022.  (a dream come true!)  The above pictures were taken at the springs of En Gedi.  I highly doubt the caves I took a picture of were any that David hid in....but it was fun to imagine!  This spring was amazing...because the desert that surrounded it was the most barren stretch of land I had ever seen...for as far as I could see.  Crazy to imagine that anyone or anything could survive out there...but David sought refuge and safety in this desert.  

"Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious and merciful to me, for my soul finds shelter and safety in You, and in the shadow of Your wings, (speaking my birdy language here!) I will take refuge and be confidently secure until destruction passes by." Psalm 57:1 

David praises His God in the midst of this horrible trial.  He knew that God had promised him the kingdom.  The time just was not right yet.  He never lost faith that God would fulfill what He said He would fulfill.  

"I will cry to God Most High, who accomplishes all things on my behalf [for He completes my purpose in His plan.]" Psalm 57:2

"My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast and confident! I will sing praises [to You!] Psalm 57:7

I loved these two verses.  For a lot of months, (an eternity, it feels like) I've felt lost in the silence.  Things I thought were solid, weren't.  What's God's purpose for me?  Do I even have a purpose anymore?  David could have easily felt that way as he hid away in a cave surrounded by the barrenness of the desert.  Instead, he sang as he waited. 

 I'm learning to sing as well; and, my heart is steadfast.  That rang true for me today.  I'm claiming that word: STEADFAST. I'm remembering my little thrush sparrow singing in the storm.  She's steadfast.  She's unmoved.  She's still singing. 

The other part of the story about David hiding in the caves as Saul pursued him?  David was given a prime opportunity to make his problem go away.  While David hid, Saul entered the very cave David was hiding in to relieve himself.  Saul was in a very vulnerable position.  David could have killed him without breaking a sweat.  He chose not to.  Saul lived to pursue David another day.  

I follow this lovely account on Instagram.  The author's (Raised to Stay, Natalie Runion) goal is to encourage people who have been wounded by the church, but choose to remain in the church.  God has gifted her! I'm often encouraged by her posts.  Today, she posted this:

David didn't kill Saul when he had the chance so let that be a lesson to us all that revenge doesn't expedite the promises of God. #raisedtostay

I've been wounded by my church.  God asked me to leave my church, and I went.  He also sent me to another church where He's been slowly stitching me back together.  I am in no way seeking revenge on my former church.  The part that run true for me....nothing expedites the promises of God.  There is nothing I can do....or say...or remove....that will hasten the fulfillment of the plans God has for me.  As my counselor reminded me this week, even if His purpose for me is to help only one....it's more than enough.  

Do you see my themes?  Thank you, Jesus.  

  

 

Working Through

 I've been attending a new-to-me church for the last 8 months.  This church, the pastor, the music has been a balm to my wounded heart.  For many, many months, I just needed to hide for a while and let Jesus tend to broken spots.  I'm healing, and as I'm healing, I find myself hoping again.  I've found myself in a strange place, though.  Feeling hopeful.  Feeling stronger.  Yet, feeling wary.   

Yesterday was Sunday.  Church day.  If I'm honest with myself, for a couple of years, the church that I attended was a place where I felt afraid.  I dreaded Sunday mornings.  I knew that church was where Jesus wanted me to be.  I went out of obedience....and maybe even obligation.  

Then, one day, Jesus told me to leave.  Go.  So I went. 

That was when I started attending my current church.  Where I've been hiding, and healing.  I find that I look forward to church once again.  I'm anxious to hear what the pastor has to say.  Now. after many months, I want to make connections with people.  I am awful about that!  I've never been a very outgoing person.  It's hard work!

Yesterday, the sermon was good.  A little hard, too.  One thing the pastor said was that following Jesus was a new invitation to be a part of His family.  We are adopted in.  We don't get to choose our family.  Following Jesus together makes us family.  

I kind of battle with that statement.  Thirty some years ago, I chose to attend my last church.  Eight months ago, I chose to attend a different church.  Yes, because we follow Jesus, we are family. BUT.....it's not like our born-into family.  When we are born into a family, we are known from the moment we take our first breath.  Attending a new church is hard.  Harder for some than others.  When I think of the churches I've attending in my lifetime, I was known by someone before I went. I'm currently attending a church where I wasn't already known by someone. (Ok....I know some...sort of...) When you attend a church because you know someone, you've already have a foot in the door.  You are known.  You are introduced around.  You have instant connection.  

When I started attending this church, I desperately needed a place to hide.  My church had left me wounded. I hid well. (I mean well!)  Jesus and I needed to work through some things. Now, as I'm healing, and my church is talking about church as family, I'm finding I want to know and be known again.  That's harder to do than you'd think.  (That's part of the reason I want an Aaron.  Someone to go with me.)

I started this post wanting to talk about this gift I received from one of Daria's friends.  

Isn't it beautiful?  Daria's friend, my friend, George, (Elli Inglesby, for future reference when she becomes famous!) painted it for me.  As a gift.  This gift has undone me.  In ways I can't really describe.  For months, I've checked my mail everyday, a tiny part of me wishing that someone cared enough to think of me. George's gift is beautiful in more ways than appearance.  I'm not sure what prompted sweet George to paint this for me.  I'm a lucky girl! God used her precious gift.  He sees me.  He loves me.  He is with me and takes care of me.  

I'm not sure why I started this post about George's sweet gift, with talking about longing to be known again at church.  George does not attend my church.  Maybe her gift was just God's way of letting me know that He sees all my struggles. I'm seen by the only One that really matters.  Relax.  Trust.  

I think I will close with the verse that George wrote on the back of her painting.  I'm in a healing place....and I will go out with joy!

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."   Isaiah 55:12

Seeking an Aaron to my Moses

Jesus is knitting me back together.  Taking my wounded heart, stitching it together, weaving beauty out of my scars.  

Healing is hard though.  Some days I feel like I've taken 5 huge strides forward.  Only to be knocked back about 20 the next day.  Okay.  I may be exaggerating a little, but some times that is how I *feel.*  I know, I know....feelings aren't accurate.  I guess that is a good thing.  

Today, I've been wrestling with something.  There is a part of me that feels like Jesus is asking me to take a step into something that is a mite "fearful." (Actually, I'm sure that "mite" isn't quite right....but "hugely" is much more accurate!)  It is full to overflowing with Unknowns.  (I'm not overly fond of unknowns....much less Unknowns with a capital U!)  

The thing is, my Upheaval has left me in a very lonely place.  For a good long while, I hid....and I did a really good job of hiding!  Now, as I'm slowly healing, I find myself beginning to peek out and around....silently hoping that I might be found.  This isn't really an awesome place to be.  Maybe I'm wrestling with this Hope of Being Found  because I'm struggling against this time of Being Still and Knowing that He is God.  Is this step just me not trusting the place He has me in?  Desperate to be found by someone?  Would I be leaving this place where Jesus has been mending my brokenness with seams of gold? 

Today, I dared to ask Jesus if I could be like Gideon.  I dared to ask Him to confirm things. Please, Jesus, just leave me a dripping fleece in the desert. Then, I dared ask Jesus if I could be like Moses.  Jesus, can I have an Aaron in my life?  Can I have someone that goes with me?  

So I wrestle.  

I'm just a girl wandering in the desert, trying to find her way through to the Promised Land. I've made a lot of mistakes and missteps, and I'll probably make a lot more.  One of these days, I'm gonna cross my Jordan.  Hopefully it doesn't take me 40 years.  (Please, Jesus!)

Beautifully Broken

Christmas has passed. January is in full swing. I’m not overly fond of Oregon winters. Lots of rain and gray skies. Rarely are we cold enough for snow and if it does snow it never lasts for long. 

I love snow, though. I always say that snow gives cold purpose!  Yet, here I live where snow is rare. 

So, as a preschool teacher, I love bringing snow into my class….sort of.  I love decorating my bulletin boards with lots of snowflakes. This is my second January that I’ve gotten a little obsessive about cutting out coffee-filter snowflakes. I saved my favorites from last year and have been cutting out several more. I love the “patterns” I can find on line. They are so easy and I have fun making them. It makes me feel like maybe I’m just a *smidge* creative.  

 

Yesterday, I decided to try making snowflakes out of cupcake liners. Same shape, just smaller, so why not? It worked brilliantly. I’ve been super thankful for my small, sharp scissors I bought a couple of years ago. I’ve made some cute little snowflakes. I’m in love. 

Today, I was cutting my last couple of snowflakes. I’ve got plenty now. (Enough already, Christine!) By now, I was getting a little confident with my cutting skills, and I was getting a little braver trying more intricate cuts. I was super excited to see what my latest creation would look like, when…..*snip*….my cut when too deep and I lost a large portion of my little snowflake. *sigh* Being sure it was beyond hope,  I carefully opened it, and as I got it part way open, I gasped. Instead of being ruined with a gaping hole, I found it to be really quite beautiful. (At least in the eyes of its creator!)

As I delighted in my little snowflake (really I delight in all my little snowflakes), I felt a tiny nudge in my spirit. This year, I have felt utterly broken. Torn apart. Worthless. Cast aside. I’m that snowflake. Some have cut me a little too deeply. Parts of me have been cut off. Yet, my Creator finds me beautiful!

In the pre-kindergarten curriculum that I’m teaching, we talk a lot about how much God loves us. Today, (!!) we talked about how He made each one of us unique and special. There is no one in the world who is exactly like me. I am His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, to do good works, which He’s prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10)

I’ve had a hard time believing what my Creator says about me. He and I are working on that.   I believe, Jesus. Help my unbelief. 

I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are your works, and my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139: 14

Rest is Trust

 A while back, on my daily thankful posts that I made on Facebook, I posted a meme that said "Something I love about Jesus is that he napped often."  In that post, I gave thanks for a moment to rest after a busy day.  I have a very intellectual friend that read that and took me to task.  How did I know Jesus took naps?  The Bible doesn't say he napped often. I remember laughing to myself about the literalness of his statements.  I remember telling him that Jesus knew the value of rest and He rested when He needed to....this was just a fun way of saying that. 

One of my favoritest Bible stories is a time when Jesus was actually napping. (Yas!  Go, Jesus!)  I got to share that story with my Pre-Ks this morning.  I really kind of got into it...because it is super cool.  I mean suuuuuupppppppeeeerrrr cool.  I loved seeing their eyes get big and their excitement grow. So let's get into it....

In November, Tim and I went on a trip to Israel  Dream come true.  Literally.  One of the places we went to was the Sea of Galilee. (swoon!)  There is so much cooool that happened on the Sea of Galilee and I got to go there.    

Isn't that just magnificent?   This is where our story took place.  Jesus and his disciples were out in a boat in the middle of the Sea of Galilee.  The water in this picture is pretty calm; but in our story, a great big storm was raging.  The wind was blowing.  Rain was pouring down.  Waves were huge and crashing over the sides of the boat.  Jesus' disciples were terrified.  They thought for sure they would drown.  I've always wondered about their fear in the back of my mind.  A boat big enough for 12 disciples and Jesus on the verge of drowning?  The Sea of Galilee isn't actually a sea...it's a lake.  

When we were in Israel, we also got to see a first century boat that was found during a drought year on the Sea of Galilee.  A FIRST CENTURY boat.  I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that it survived for 2000 years in the mud.  Here it is:

 

No one is claiming that this was the actual boat that Jesus and his disciples were riding in, but it is an example of what it might have been like. I suppose it could have been a bit bigger. Take a look at the construction though....definitely not modern made.  It sure made the disciples' fears a little more understandable.  

The crazy thing to me about this story, is that while the wind roared, the rain poured and the waves crashed, Jesus was in the front of the boat ASLEEP! When you start thinking about it, there was probably no way that Jesus was staying dry as he napped.  To add to the chaos of the storm, the disciples' panic probably was quite a cacophony! Yet, through it all,  Jesus slept.  

Now comes my favorite part.  As the disciples' panic rises, they finally decide to wake Jesus up.  "Lord, save us! We are going to die!" I love Jesus' response: 

"Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?" Then He got up, and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was [at once] a great and wonderful calm [a perfect peacefulness]. Matthew 8:26

Can you imagine?  At the voice of Jesus, the wind, the rain, and the waves instantly obeyed.  As if they had a mind and will of their own, they stopped.  There was calm.  

So my littles learned Matthew 8:27

"What kind of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey Him.?" 

 One of the things that I wrote down in my sermon notes a few weeks ago was the words: "to rest is to trust." I was reminded of that today.  I'm in a season of learning to rest while in the midst of a season of upheaval.  I'm learning to trust that Jesus is with me....and He's in control.  My sister showed me a beautiful song while on our Israel trip.   It is titled "It is Well."  It has been a balm to my battered heart. My anthem, coming from this song, is this:

So let go, my soul, and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name.

Jesus, calm my storm.   

 

My Hiding Place

Last Christmas, I was given a waxed amaryllis bulb. I’ll admit that, at first, I was underwhelmed by the gift. Even so, I placed it on my counter, wondered what I’d ultimately do with it, and went about my way.  Over time, this green stalk began to grow. I still was not impressed.  It kept growing and growing....and wouldn't you know....it eventually bloomed!  It was a beautiful, stunning, gorgeous red bloom.  Wow!  Totally not what I expected! The bloom lasted a couple of days and then I trimmed it off.  It wasn't done yet!  It went through it's grow and bloom cycle one more time.  I enjoyed it.  Quite a bit.  

This Christmas, Costco was selling these bulbs in a pack of three. Tim was obsessed about getting them as gifts for people. His enthusiasm for them was a sight to behold.  Tim rarely gets himself hyped up about much of anything but he was hyped about these bulbs.  I mean.....hyped.  (I know...I'm as shocked as you!) He bought several packs and we passed them out to his family. There was a couple left over that we set on our counter to watch.  For a small glimpse of how Tim functions and a small taste of his enthusiasm, take a close look at the picture.  

Do you see the little tick marks on the green stalk?  Those are not *naturally occurring* marks.  Those lines perfectly epitomize my husband.  He was obsessed with seeing how quickly the bulb grew.  (They grow remarkably fast)  He loved checking on it to see its daily growth.  I'm almost surprised that there are no dates written beside each tick mark!  (I wonder if I asked him, if he'd remember how often he marked it.  Probably so.) He is so funny the things that he "obsesses" over.  (He will give me grief for using the word obsessed to describe anything about him.)

Don't you just wish that Jesus placed little tick marks on us that we could actually see with our eyes when we've grown a little?  Tick marks to see that we actually did grow even though we don't *feel* like we've grown.  If I'm honest, I wish that I had tick marks all over me. This upheaval that I've been floundering through has left me feeling more like I'm in a state of decay rather than in a state of growth.  Mark me up, Jesus. Please!

As Jesus has been teaching me to sing the last couple of days, I've been singing "You are my Hiding Place" over and over and over. In fact, it's like it's the only chorus that I can remember right now.  So today, during my prayer time, I went straight to the source to see why it is that Jesus has me singing this song right now.  So, to Psalm 32 I went where verse seven says:

You are my hiding place; You, Lord, protect me from trouble; You surround me with songs and shouts of deliverance.  

This is from my amplified Bible, but Psalm 32:7 is practically verbatim the words used for You are My Hiding Place.  So good.  Why did you send me to this song, Jesus?  Besides the obvious, of course.  So I started at verse one.  This psalm is about the "Blessedness of Forgiveness and of Trust in God."  That is how my amplified Bible summarized this chapter.  It's a psalm of David.  A man after God's own heart who still sinned.  A lot.  God loved David, forgave him, and used him.  God told David he was a blessed because God forgave his sins.  David talks about how he wasted away, and his energy was drained, when he had unconfessed sins in his life.  David tells how he told God all his sins and God forgave his guilt.  And then the blessings...the favor shown by God in His forgiveness.  

1. God is near.  He will be found (vs 6)
2. When the great waters [of trial and distressing times] overflow they will not reach [the spirit] in me. (vs 6)
3. He is my hiding place. (vs. 7) 
4. He will protect me from trouble (vs 7)
5. He surrounds me with songs AND SHOUTS of deliverance. (vs7)

This time of upheaval in my life has left gaping wounds.  At times, I have felt far from favor.  Jesus and I have done a lot of talking about it.  I've taken responsibility for my part in things....and now He's working on me forgiving the parts that were done to me.  It's hard.  I've been silent about most of it. ...to the point that I've felt like I'm wasting away.  As I've been blogging about it, I find that Jesus is using my words to help heal me.  He's placing a tick mark on my heart, so I can look back and see that I've grown, even if it's a tiny bit.

Hard times are going to come.  I love how my amplified Bible said "great waters [of trial and distressing time] (and I've been through a few) OVERFLOW they will not reach [the spirit] in him."   Trials and distressing times will overflow (to the point of feeling like I'm drowning?) but God promises that they will not reach the spirit in me.  I'm gonna hide myself in Him.  I'm going to listen to His songs of deliverance that surround me.  I'm gonna echo the shouts of victory He has declared.  

You are my hiding place.

You always fill my heart

With songs of deliverance

Whenever I am afraid 

I will trust in You

I will trust in You

Let the weak say 

I am strong 

In the strength of the Lord