To my faithful followers: No, you are not going insane. I did not get this written on Thursday like I wanted....but I post dated it so that it would fall on Thursday. The thoughts that are wrapped up in this post had been bubbling all week, and I'm just now getting to putting them down.
On Saturday, April 4, a friend of mine lost her brother-in-law. He was one of the three police officers that was gunned down in Pittsburgh. Her sister is only 27 years old, widowed with two sweet girls to raise on her own. I've been following the story for the last week. I'm not sure why it has struck me as hard as it has. Maybe it is because, in a round-about-way I "knew" her....and seen pictures of her family. It seems like every time I would read a story about this family, I would sit at the computer crying. I think one of the biggest tragedies of life is losing a spouse or child. All in all, my life has been pretty tragedy-free. Maybe that is why I have this suppressed fear that someday that tragedy is going to be mine.
I know before I left for Mexico I confessed that one of my fears was to have Tim or I die while our children were young. When I was pregnant with Luke, a friend of ours died in his sleep, leaving behind his little girl, who was Daria's age, and his wife. I just remember being shell-shocked with the absolute suddenness of it. Nothing about it felt right. Just as this Pittsburgh tragedy just does not feel right. At times like this, I wish that God would let us see the bigger picture, and His purposes. Yet, we are left to trust that God is still in control...and He knows.
As I have thought about this post for the last couple of days, it seemed like I had more eloquent words to express my thoughts. Yet, when I get down to actually typing it out, all the thoughts come out jumbled. All of that to say, that I must, constantly, express my gratitude for the gifts that God has blessed me with...for tomorrow....they could be gone.
So, today I am thankful for:
- My Tim. I am so thankful for his health. For his consistency. For his faith. For his faithful provision for me and our children. Each day with him is a gift.
- My children. Sometimes they drive me crazy with the bickering, but they are precious. They are brilliant. Charismatic. Hilarious. Beautiful. Each day with them is as gift.
- For each day. For each day that God gives me here, I am thankful. Even for the days where things don't go the way I want them. For the days that I am tired. For the days I am overly busy. For the days that I feel overworked. For the days that I get to celebrate any ol' thing. Each day is a gift.
Lest I forget.
2 comments:
Kippy - Tim just directed me to your blog and I read your "jumbled" words about the ugly snear of tragedy. Your words were not jumbled at all, they resounded loudly for me. Thank you, I needed that.
As Tim may have told you, I emailed him and Aaron Putnam last night after being stunned with the news of Ryan Bartlett’s death. Last night and tonight I have poured over their missionary blog to somehow connect with this reality and loss. After reading your blog tonight I wanted to join you in your wrestle with tragedy, since I am already “on the mat” tonight (I think Tim would appreciate the metaphor don’t you?). You said you wished God would let us see the bigger picture, and His purpose. As I reflect on Ryan’s life and the loss for Katie and her daughters, here is how I wrestle with it. As I wept repeatedly tonight, I am reminded again that I really, really hate death. It feels like a robber who steals away the most precious jewels from the most generous givers. However, I also cling (with white knuckles, groans, and gritted teeth) to the unseen Hope (“…blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29) - that death is NOT ultimately victorious, no matter how great a roar of power it boasts – the loss of the policeman, your friend who left behind a young daughter, Ryan…even my own brother’s death. I think God has shown us the bigger picture…Life and Grace will prevail over death. Jesus showed us that death will not, cannot win. Death will not overtake us even if it seems it already has in the darkest days. I am trying to keep this assurance of His purpose alive in me…especially as I see my children grow up and get on bicycles or buckle into seatbelts. I pray you will too. I look forward to catching up with you and Tim someday soon.
Beautifully written. I couldn't have said it better myself.
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