Break My Heart

Even though I have put out posts here and there, really for the last several months, I've been silent. Not really sure why....until recently.

I've lost faith in myself. And today it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Today should have been Luke's graduation from kindergarten. I know that I shouldn't think of it like that...but I do. I had hoped that when we pulled him from kindergarten...that he would lose his identity to his class. Yet he hasn't. They still notice him....he still notices them. He still calls them his class. He has always known that he was going to finish kindergarten later....but yesterday...he just realized that his class was going to be in 1st grade while he was still in kindergarten. It broke my heart to hear his tears.

His first thought was to ask if he could catch up. At first, I told him that he couldn't...but his tears just got harder. So...I told him that if he worked hard...and never gave up....then maybe he could catch up. He seemed to eventually soak that in. I'm hoping that he really takes it to heart and next year will be different. I'm deathly afraid that next year will be just the same. And then what? I can't keep him in kindergarten forever.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've come to realize that this whole kindergarten fiasco has been the catalyst for so much other stuff in my life. And it all boils down to that loss of faith. Subconsciously, I think I've allowed this to defeat me. Failure seems to be my nemesis. I fear it...so I don't attempt it. I make excuses. I procrastinate far greater than I ever did before. I've lost face with others. I've given up on things that I love because I find that others do it better....so why try. Obligations, of any size, seem to overwhelm me.

I even have failed at being the Tooth Fairy for the last two nights. Ugh.

I'm not sure how to fix it. I know I won't be going to a shrink....even though I probably should. Since I'm starting to realize its roots....I know I'm going to be doing a lot of praying about it. Nothing is impossible with God. Even me. Last night, I started praying that God would give me my words back. I'm hoping for a change.

So...there is my dirty laundry out for all to see. It's hard to hide when its laying right there. I'm anxious to see where God goes from here. In the meantime, I'm off to help my Daria and Caden celebrate their last day of school.

Countdown begins for Luke's re-entrance to school. Lord, help us.