Jill of All Trades

Master of None.

I've always wanted to be really good at something. Not just okay. Or even good. I mean really good. Excellent. Over the top. Superb. Maybe even, dare I say it, the Best. (hmmm....there seems to be a little shame associated with wanting to be the best. Interesting.)

The things of life, for the most part, have come fairly easily for me. I guess that is a good thing. I can do a fair amount of things fairly well. I have a knowing inside that says that I could do just about anything if I gave it a try. The only thing I really lack is that it never has given me the push to succeed. The drive to be excellent. I've always just worked hard enough to be good enough. Good enough to get the A. Good enough to get the pat on the back. The sticker on the page. Approval.

As I think about this, I also find that there is fear in being fairly good. There is fear of failure. Fear that if I push to go beyond good, I will find that I can't. The quote on my calendar for the past month has been: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a....fool about it." W. C. Fields. I guess that I fear being the fool, so why try.

I find myself very envious of others and their skills and gifts. I love to see how others use those gifts. Unfortunately, when I see their successes in areas I would love to be good at...I find I want to run away. (I know....I totally see the ridiculousness of that statement. But what is, is. I never said all my thoughts were good ones! Ha!) I might even think that I am pretty good at something...until I find someone who is better. Which is never hard to find.

So, here I sit. If someone were to ask me what I am gifted at, I couldn't answer. I can do a lot of things fairly well. But there isn't one thing that I could say that I do very well. (Except for complaining or procrastinating...but I don't think that would really be what they meant!) For the last month, I have been attempting something that I thought that I could do fairly well. Life, of course, never goes quite like you plan...most of the time. I'm panicking. I'm doubting. I want to run away, plug my ears...........la la la la la.

It is hard to wrap up a transparent post like this. I'm sure that my family is taking notes for the Insanity(with a capital I!) case they are building for my defense. The next extended "quiet space" my blog encounters may be due to the fact that they've had me committed until all this craziness has been eradicated, erased, and reprogrammed.

Until then:

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 5:10.