Shame: a painful emotion resulting from an awareness of inadequacy or guilt.

Shame:

• destroys
• corrodes
• weakens
• persists
• immobilizes
• weighs down
  

I could go on.

I can't.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Under My Porch

Sometimes, when we spend time at my parents' house, my dad will have a project for the kids to work on. One year, it was bird houses. So, way up in a couple of our trees, we have a couple of brightly colored bird houses. One of them is right outside our front window, so I can see it pretty easily. In all this time, I don't think any bird has ever taken a fancy to one of our brightly colored homes. I thought maybe once I saw a bird fly out....but I think I was mistaken. The fact there no one ever adopted our beautiful homes has often been a disappointment and a puzzlement to my kids.

This year, we discovered a fun little surprise under our porch. Tim noticed one day that a bird had made a nest on the support beam. It was the day that I noticed that I thought I saw evidence of moles in our yards, that Tim told me about the nest. Why??? Because that precious little bird made her nest right on top of Tim's mole trap. Crazy little bird.
If you notice the blue object in the picture, that is the trap. I've been spooked a couple of times when I have walked into the back yard when the Mama Bird has flown away. With the amount of time, and the craziness of our play in the yard, I've wondered if we had chased the Mama away. Apparently, we hadn't.

I asked Tim to take a couple of pictures the other day so that I could post them here on my blog. To our surprise, the Mama must have been feeding them when he went out because those little buggers were sticking their heads out good. We think there might be 5 of them in there. You can count for yourself.

They are soooooo cute. We've peeked a couple of times through the cracks from the top of the deck, and those babies are so still. I'm amazed. It must be a defensive thing. I'm also amazed that Mama Bird can even get in that nest. It looks crammed!!

Anyway, that is our fun Spring find this year. Not in our beautiful bird houses....but under our porch, perched on our mole trap.

Cool, huh?

Ending of a Good Saturday

One of the things that I love about school being out is that there isn't the push to get the kids into bed. There is liberty. But it also means that we tend to be a little more tired sometimes. Especially when we feel a need to wake up on "school time" rather than on "summer time."

Since school was out on Thursday, the kids have had a pretty busy social schedule. Thursday night was the End of the School Year party at school. After spending the whole evening partying, they were up until after 10:00 that night. Friday night, Daria had a friend sleep over and we stayed up to watch Sound of Music until after 10:30. Then Saturday, they were up on their "school schedule," off to Caden's final indoor game for this session.

We came home, ate some lunch, and went on a bike ride, played at creek for a while and came home. Apparently it was a long day. Since we had Sound of Music checked out from the library, and it had "bonus features," I chose to hide away and watch some of them while the boys crashed in the living room watching TV. I came out around dinner time to see what everyone wanted to eat. This is what I found:




Each little man was sacked out in their little space. Tim wanted me to believe that he wasn't asleep, but I don't believe him. By the time I got the camera around to him....this is what I got:

Whatever. The turkey.

I guess that is the evidence of a Saturday well spent. Can't get better than that!

School's Out!!

When I was a kid, a school year lasted an eternity. Or so it seemed. As a mother of kids, I blink and the year is gone. In a flash. I swear it was just yesterday that I was delivering them to their first days of Second grade and Fourth Grade. Yesterday, I brought them home as a Third Grader and a Fifth Grader. FIFTH GRADE!!!!! Yikes.

I love the way our school ends the year. They have what they call Stepping Stone ceremonies. It is simply handing them a stone...a note of the year accomplished that steps them up to the next level in life. The teachers do a wonderful job stating to each child of how they noticed growth develop in each child. What a wonderful way to end the year.

It was definitely a proud Mama day for sure.

It was also a bittersweet day for me as well. I couldn't help but mourn again the loss of this school year for Luke. I've had to remind myself over and over again that really we gave him the gift of time and hopefully it will be to his advantage. I know that I need to stop thinking about what should have been...but yesterday that was very hard. I hope that someday I can lay down those nigglings of regret and be completely at peace with our decision.

So now enters Summer. Summer with a Capital S. I have plans for things to be different around here. Things that will hopefully benefit my children...as well as make things easier for me. I am hoping to make memories....proactively instead of waiting for them to happen. I'm praying for a Take Action kind of Summer.

Yep...school's definitely out.

Break My Heart

Even though I have put out posts here and there, really for the last several months, I've been silent. Not really sure why....until recently.

I've lost faith in myself. And today it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Today should have been Luke's graduation from kindergarten. I know that I shouldn't think of it like that...but I do. I had hoped that when we pulled him from kindergarten...that he would lose his identity to his class. Yet he hasn't. They still notice him....he still notices them. He still calls them his class. He has always known that he was going to finish kindergarten later....but yesterday...he just realized that his class was going to be in 1st grade while he was still in kindergarten. It broke my heart to hear his tears.

His first thought was to ask if he could catch up. At first, I told him that he couldn't...but his tears just got harder. So...I told him that if he worked hard...and never gave up....then maybe he could catch up. He seemed to eventually soak that in. I'm hoping that he really takes it to heart and next year will be different. I'm deathly afraid that next year will be just the same. And then what? I can't keep him in kindergarten forever.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've come to realize that this whole kindergarten fiasco has been the catalyst for so much other stuff in my life. And it all boils down to that loss of faith. Subconsciously, I think I've allowed this to defeat me. Failure seems to be my nemesis. I fear it...so I don't attempt it. I make excuses. I procrastinate far greater than I ever did before. I've lost face with others. I've given up on things that I love because I find that others do it better....so why try. Obligations, of any size, seem to overwhelm me.

I even have failed at being the Tooth Fairy for the last two nights. Ugh.

I'm not sure how to fix it. I know I won't be going to a shrink....even though I probably should. Since I'm starting to realize its roots....I know I'm going to be doing a lot of praying about it. Nothing is impossible with God. Even me. Last night, I started praying that God would give me my words back. I'm hoping for a change.

So...there is my dirty laundry out for all to see. It's hard to hide when its laying right there. I'm anxious to see where God goes from here. In the meantime, I'm off to help my Daria and Caden celebrate their last day of school.

Countdown begins for Luke's re-entrance to school. Lord, help us.

The Results Are In!!

I have been meaning to get on her since yesterday and share the news regarding Daria's soccer tryouts. Just a moment ago, I just had a revelation that I hadn't done that yet!! I have been so busy getting ready to head out of town to a cousin's wedding, that I totally forgot!!

Monday night, after the second round of tryouts, we received a call from the A team coach from Sherwood. DARIA MADE THE TEAM!!!! Daria was so very excited. I came home from a meeting to see her dancing in the doorway. I figured it had to be good news. She so wanted to play for this coach and that was exciting to see her excitement. Tim wanted me to wait until it was "official" before I said anything on my blog. They posted it on the website....so now it is official.

God really is good. I should have known not to fret. If God had granted us peace about not going to Newberg....I should have known that He would have good things in store for Daria. Tim was also able to have a conversation with the coach about our rule of No Sunday Morning Soccer. She said that she could work with that....and it sounded like there may not be many, if any, Sunday morning games. Yeah. That has been such a huge concern for Tim and I and we were relieved to have that discussion with her so early on.

I am so proud of my Girlie. We are excited for the year to come. Below is an action picture that Tim took this last Spring season. She's in the red. Isn't she awesome????

Tryouts

Daria's soccer tryouts started yesterday and continue this afternoon. My poor mind has just been consumed with it. It is honestly driving me nuts. I remember trying out for volleyball when I was a sophomore in high school. I don't remember being that nervous. I think it was because I knew I had a snowball's chance of making the team since they were only choosing 2 from my class.

But now....I feel like Daria has a really good chance. And then on the other hand...I feel like there is no way she'll make it through the political red tape that seems to be surrounding tryouts. I've been having a lot of conversations with God about it these last few days.

When Tim and I were wrestling with the Newberg decision last week, we came away feeling like God had directed us away from that decision. We had a great deal of peace about that. I have to keep reminding myself that being in Sherwood's tryouts was God's best for Daria. (At least in the small world of soccer!!) And yet I feel completely at the mercy now, of the coaches of Sherwood.

If I am honest, what I really want for Daria is for her to be on the "A" team in Sherwood. I want her to be validated in that regard. I know that I'm her mom and just a tad bit prejudice, but I think she is that good. It doesn't help that I don't want the Newberg coach to be able to say: "Ha...told you so. You made the wrong decision!" Oh my human heart is getting way too wrapped up in this Soccer Drama.

Last night, as I was doing my devotions, God was faithful. Isn't that just like God? The devotional that I was reading was so appropriate for my feelings. The author was talking about the difference between "getting what I wanted" and "getting what I needed." When my Moms in Touch friends were praying with me regarding our Newberg decision, we prayed that ultimately what we decided would be best for Daria's character. Maybe what Daria "needs" is not necessarily what I "want."

There is that conflict of "human wants" and "divine wants." So when my prayer jumps to praying that God would honor Daria with a spot on the "A" team, I quickly ask God to ultimately do what is best for Daria's character....what He wants for Daria. And to help me want what He wants...with no regrets.

Thankfully, Daria doesn't seem to echo my internal struggles. Ultimately, she just loves the game and wants to play and have fun. (To win, too, I'm sure!) We were both pleased to see who would be her coach if, by chance, she makes the "A" team. That was good for me to hear her thoughts on that. Neither of us were sure which coach would be the coach for the "B" team, but she seemed okay with that. And that....is an answer to last week's prayer.

Which reminds me again....God is faithful.