Personalities Continued

God has often been described as the Hound of Heaven. Hounds are interesting dogs. Known for their hunting and tracking abilities. Thus, you could think of God as a unrelenting Pursuer of your Heart. If He wants you, He'll go to great lengths to get you.

There is a lot about my personality that I have found lacking. I'm not one of those sparkly people that lights up the room when I enter. I'm not overly charming and polite. I'm not so charismatic that people are drawn to me and remember me for my wit. As I alluded to yesterday, I really am quite the royal pessimist and it plays out not so great in my personality. In fact, sometimes I find my personality down right ugly. There are many aspects of it that I wish God would go ahead and change already.

*sigh*

Funny that I have been thinking about personality lately. Actually, God is quite funny. I've just recently been attending Bible Study Fellowship. We are studying the Gospel of John. Today we have been studying the first 5 verses:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through Him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

Along with Colossians 1:16:

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.

We were asked to find additional information in the Colossians verse that was not in the John verses. One of the things that I focused on that all things were created by him....for him. Then I was struck by the next question in our study: "How does this relate to all true fulfillment of human personality?"

I think I read that question a half a dozen times. As I thought about all of my answers, I really wasn't sure...except the "created by him and for him." Did they really mean my personality? I suppose they did since God has been making me dwell on how personalities accept grace.

It is probably going to take a while for me to fully grasp that God made my personality. And He made it for Him.

There's a lot there.

Personalities and Grace

This is a topic that I have been thinking a lot about the last couple of days. I often think that God puts a thought in my head for a reason. Okay...I understand that. What to do with that topic and how to apply it to myself, I'm not sure. Especially when I think about my own personality.

Not pretty.

I have two sons. Beautiful boys, both of them. And talented, too. God gave them to me as a gift...and they are gifted. (Ok...I'm their Mom, I can say that!) After the second one was born, God gave me a verse for him....that I know applies to him...as well as his brother and sister. For that matter, I suppose that it applies to me, as well.

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

I've been reminded of this verse a lot this last month. It is my hope, right now. But, I digress.

As I said, my two sons are precious to me. I find them to be priceless treasures in my life. And they are so vastly different. I am amazed that two little boys that look so much alike....can be so very different. I had someone in the store last week ask me if they were twins. Okay...they look a like...but not that much!!

My oldest son is a sharp little man. He can be so serious and so focused. On the soccer field, he has the focus unlike any other boy on the field. Some are busy looking at the crowds, the clouds, and prancing around like the testosterone-flooded men they will become. Caden, he's a rock. With that seriousness comes a drive for perfection. Sort of. In some ways. That trait never quite plays out in the areas his mother would prefer. Life, for him, should be just as he ordered it. His morning toast, toasted and buttered just so. Snack provided at just the right time. Things learned and accomplished at the expected rate. Unfortunately, the down side to trait, is that when things don't go his way, it is the end of the world. For him. My prayer for him, is his glass won't always be half empty.

In some ways, Luke is like his brother. He has focus.....when he wants to. To Luke, everything is an adventure. He finds joy in just about anything that comes his way. Sometimes, I see him get a little bogged down with the injustices of life...but usually that is a quick storm for the next adventure waits just around the corner. He is the life of the party...and is quick to reach out to others and get them involved in his schemes. For Luke, his glass is almost always half full.

This is where I got thinking about personalities and grace. Luke extends grace so much quicker than his brother. Granted, he is only 6 and his revenge can be extended just as quickly!! But, usually the offense is over fairly quickly. He can be mad as dickens at me one moment, and the next be wrapping his arms around me and telling me that he loves me.

Grace is a lot slower in coming for Caden. He can dwell on an offense with a focus that is daunting. He is very slow to forget. For instance, his toast wasn't perfect a couple of days ago, and the last couple of mornings, I've been prodded about that. This morning, he just didn't want toast at all and wanted something different. Slow grace.

*sigh*

As I was thinking about my boys and their ability to forgive and extend grace, I wondered how that affects their being able to experience and express the grace of God. As much as I hate to admit it, my personality is a lot like Caden's. I can remember an offense for a long, long time. Wounds from others stick with me with a menacing tenacity. I even struggle with extending grace to myself for the stupid, very human, mistakes that I do.

Sometimes, I even find it hard to accept God's grace. I have always heard that it is prideful to think that God isn't able to handle our depravity. I know that God can handle it....I just doubt my ability to let it go and allow Him to change me. Glass half empty.

*sigh*

So there is where my thoughts have been. Do our personalities affect how easily we can accept God and His gift of Grace? Do some people have an advantage over us pessimists? What is the value in being such a pessimist? I'm sure there are lessons in there somewhere that I have yet to uncover. Right now, I'm in the "That Stinks" phase of it. I want the Old Self to be gone instead of being an aching thorn in my side.

And then this week, at BSF, I was reminded that our faith is a continual process and expansion. Never on this earth will we be at the end of our adventure with Jesus. I haven't yet reconciled that battle of that being a comforting idea....or a very discouraging idea.

And so it goes.

Shame: a painful emotion resulting from an awareness of inadequacy or guilt.

Shame:

• destroys
• corrodes
• weakens
• persists
• immobilizes
• weighs down
  

I could go on.

I can't.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Under My Porch

Sometimes, when we spend time at my parents' house, my dad will have a project for the kids to work on. One year, it was bird houses. So, way up in a couple of our trees, we have a couple of brightly colored bird houses. One of them is right outside our front window, so I can see it pretty easily. In all this time, I don't think any bird has ever taken a fancy to one of our brightly colored homes. I thought maybe once I saw a bird fly out....but I think I was mistaken. The fact there no one ever adopted our beautiful homes has often been a disappointment and a puzzlement to my kids.

This year, we discovered a fun little surprise under our porch. Tim noticed one day that a bird had made a nest on the support beam. It was the day that I noticed that I thought I saw evidence of moles in our yards, that Tim told me about the nest. Why??? Because that precious little bird made her nest right on top of Tim's mole trap. Crazy little bird.
If you notice the blue object in the picture, that is the trap. I've been spooked a couple of times when I have walked into the back yard when the Mama Bird has flown away. With the amount of time, and the craziness of our play in the yard, I've wondered if we had chased the Mama away. Apparently, we hadn't.

I asked Tim to take a couple of pictures the other day so that I could post them here on my blog. To our surprise, the Mama must have been feeding them when he went out because those little buggers were sticking their heads out good. We think there might be 5 of them in there. You can count for yourself.

They are soooooo cute. We've peeked a couple of times through the cracks from the top of the deck, and those babies are so still. I'm amazed. It must be a defensive thing. I'm also amazed that Mama Bird can even get in that nest. It looks crammed!!

Anyway, that is our fun Spring find this year. Not in our beautiful bird houses....but under our porch, perched on our mole trap.

Cool, huh?

Ending of a Good Saturday

One of the things that I love about school being out is that there isn't the push to get the kids into bed. There is liberty. But it also means that we tend to be a little more tired sometimes. Especially when we feel a need to wake up on "school time" rather than on "summer time."

Since school was out on Thursday, the kids have had a pretty busy social schedule. Thursday night was the End of the School Year party at school. After spending the whole evening partying, they were up until after 10:00 that night. Friday night, Daria had a friend sleep over and we stayed up to watch Sound of Music until after 10:30. Then Saturday, they were up on their "school schedule," off to Caden's final indoor game for this session.

We came home, ate some lunch, and went on a bike ride, played at creek for a while and came home. Apparently it was a long day. Since we had Sound of Music checked out from the library, and it had "bonus features," I chose to hide away and watch some of them while the boys crashed in the living room watching TV. I came out around dinner time to see what everyone wanted to eat. This is what I found:




Each little man was sacked out in their little space. Tim wanted me to believe that he wasn't asleep, but I don't believe him. By the time I got the camera around to him....this is what I got:

Whatever. The turkey.

I guess that is the evidence of a Saturday well spent. Can't get better than that!

School's Out!!

When I was a kid, a school year lasted an eternity. Or so it seemed. As a mother of kids, I blink and the year is gone. In a flash. I swear it was just yesterday that I was delivering them to their first days of Second grade and Fourth Grade. Yesterday, I brought them home as a Third Grader and a Fifth Grader. FIFTH GRADE!!!!! Yikes.

I love the way our school ends the year. They have what they call Stepping Stone ceremonies. It is simply handing them a stone...a note of the year accomplished that steps them up to the next level in life. The teachers do a wonderful job stating to each child of how they noticed growth develop in each child. What a wonderful way to end the year.

It was definitely a proud Mama day for sure.

It was also a bittersweet day for me as well. I couldn't help but mourn again the loss of this school year for Luke. I've had to remind myself over and over again that really we gave him the gift of time and hopefully it will be to his advantage. I know that I need to stop thinking about what should have been...but yesterday that was very hard. I hope that someday I can lay down those nigglings of regret and be completely at peace with our decision.

So now enters Summer. Summer with a Capital S. I have plans for things to be different around here. Things that will hopefully benefit my children...as well as make things easier for me. I am hoping to make memories....proactively instead of waiting for them to happen. I'm praying for a Take Action kind of Summer.

Yep...school's definitely out.

Break My Heart

Even though I have put out posts here and there, really for the last several months, I've been silent. Not really sure why....until recently.

I've lost faith in myself. And today it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Today should have been Luke's graduation from kindergarten. I know that I shouldn't think of it like that...but I do. I had hoped that when we pulled him from kindergarten...that he would lose his identity to his class. Yet he hasn't. They still notice him....he still notices them. He still calls them his class. He has always known that he was going to finish kindergarten later....but yesterday...he just realized that his class was going to be in 1st grade while he was still in kindergarten. It broke my heart to hear his tears.

His first thought was to ask if he could catch up. At first, I told him that he couldn't...but his tears just got harder. So...I told him that if he worked hard...and never gave up....then maybe he could catch up. He seemed to eventually soak that in. I'm hoping that he really takes it to heart and next year will be different. I'm deathly afraid that next year will be just the same. And then what? I can't keep him in kindergarten forever.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've come to realize that this whole kindergarten fiasco has been the catalyst for so much other stuff in my life. And it all boils down to that loss of faith. Subconsciously, I think I've allowed this to defeat me. Failure seems to be my nemesis. I fear it...so I don't attempt it. I make excuses. I procrastinate far greater than I ever did before. I've lost face with others. I've given up on things that I love because I find that others do it better....so why try. Obligations, of any size, seem to overwhelm me.

I even have failed at being the Tooth Fairy for the last two nights. Ugh.

I'm not sure how to fix it. I know I won't be going to a shrink....even though I probably should. Since I'm starting to realize its roots....I know I'm going to be doing a lot of praying about it. Nothing is impossible with God. Even me. Last night, I started praying that God would give me my words back. I'm hoping for a change.

So...there is my dirty laundry out for all to see. It's hard to hide when its laying right there. I'm anxious to see where God goes from here. In the meantime, I'm off to help my Daria and Caden celebrate their last day of school.

Countdown begins for Luke's re-entrance to school. Lord, help us.