Have You Seen My Voice?

 I've spent the last hour or so rereading some of my past posts.  I started off reading the posts I made almost two years ago.  The basis around them was the Hope that I was healing from a great Upheaval.  I'm fighting the inclination to place the word Hope in quotes as I have found that healing from Upheaval (a.k.a. abuse: I can finally say that word) never seems to be complete.  It is hard.  It is layered.  It is dimensional.  

*sigh*

Sometimes I think that I should stop calling it healing.  Healing implies restoration.  I'm not restoring anything. There is no going back to the Christine that was.  No going back to the places that were.  There is no going back.  There is only going forward.  There is only finding new ways.  New places.  New everything.  

I don't like new.  

Reading my posts from way back, though, there is much that I miss.  I could list all that I miss, but I am going to resist.  

I mostly miss my Voice.  

I had things to say.  I said them.  I said them well.  Not perfect....but well.

That big Upheaval in my life, abuse, trauma....the results of that hang around awhile.  It isn't always in my face like it use to be....but I find that I notice it the most when I try to use my Voice.  This last week, I likened it to the Flight or Fight response.  Guess which one I am?  Flight for sure!  I wish that it was actually with my feet that I would fly....but its my words.  Even now, as I want to just spit all this out, my words don't come smooth.  Thoughts are jumbled.  Incoherent? Messy.  

How does one fix that?  Jesus and I talk about it quite a bit.  I know that He hears.  I guess His answer is: Not Yet.  

Not a great post.  This is really just for me.  Maybe some day I will look back at this post and realize that Jesus finally healed my fears, anxieties, brokenness and has given me a New Voice.  

I hope so.