Anticipation of Introduction to Loving Again

It's been almost 2 years since I lost my Ruby.  Her death came in a season of already HUGE loss and hurt.  Hurt unlike anything I have ever experienced before and hope that I never experience again.  It's been even longer than the 2 years since she's been gone that this Hurt has been in my life.   Some days I feel like I am finally defeating the hurt and so I give God huge thanks.  I'll brace myself even in the midst of giving thanks for the healing, knowing that I'll probably be side swiped with the pain all over again.

Today is one of those days where the side-swiping is hitting hard.  My heart hurts.  And I miss my Ruby. Again.  She was my comfort here on earth. Some days I wonder why God took her during one of the darkest times of my life.  

There was a time that I though I would never get a dog again.  It's too hard.  The Loving and the Losing. The Loving is amazing.  The acceptance.  The joy.  The laughter. The sweet wags at the top of the stairs when I come home from work.  The nudge in the night for a little loving.  The feelings of safety and security while we walked in the dark morning light.  

The Losing is so hard.  I'm starting to heal from that.  Not feeling as broken with the loss of her.  I wish the Broken from the Hurt would fade as well.  

Today I breathe with anticipation.  A couple of months ago, I decided I was ready to try loving another dog again.  Getting Tim to join me in that was part of the hullabaloo of Loving again.  I anticipate because the puppy I've chosen hasn't come home yet.  She comes home in a little over a week.  Barring anything unusual.  I almost had a puppy come home in October....only for something unusual to happen.  So, I breathe anticipation in....and hold my breath.  

Meet Evie.  Evie Lou.  Evie Lou Brandt.  

I'm hoping that part of the healing of Losing (Ruby and my Hurt) is Loving again. 

 I can't hardly wait.  
 

 

Yummy in my Tummy

IN ALL THINGS GIVE THANKS 2: DAY 4

Today has been kind of a dreary day.  Started the moment I got out of bed and took a peek outside.  At that moment, I watched the wind whipping the trees and the rain into a regular frenzy.  Uh uh.  I was not about taking my walk in THAT.  So to the elliptical I went.  Better than nothing!

I'm also finding that I am not transitioning well into this fall weather.  Short days.  Dark clouds. No sunshine.  My vitamin D levels are TANKING.  It all makes me so tired.  Doesn't help that this perimenopausal stuff makes sleeping optional. haha.  I thought my work day would never end.  

One thing that makes me smile each evening lately is some peppermint ice cream bars that have been on sale at Costco. I don't usually like to reward myself using food; but, maybe I'm not really rewarding myself.  Just my little evening delight.  

The other night, I went down to get my little treat, and  new that it would be time to open our second box.  *sigh* My little stash is almost gone for the season.  Somewhere....some time....my sweet Tim bought a *third* box!  Yay! My little evening food "spa" can continue for a little bit longer.  

Thank you, love!

Some people in my life....

 IN ALL THINGS GIVE THANKS 2: DAY 3

I'm finding that I am out of practice giving thanks!  I forgot to do one yesterday.  I'm going to give myself some grace.  Of course now that I've committed to being thankful again, I'm finding myself under attack and finding myself worn down and discouraged.  Of course!  Could I expecxt any less??

There is one part of my life, though, that is a bright spot in my days.  I'll be honest.  I wish I was still a stay at home mom.  I miss having my own schedule....doing my own things....and not having to get up at 5:00 a.m. to get to work.  BUT....Jesus placed these lovely ladies in my life to work with.  I couldn't be more thankful for them.  If they weren't there, I'd probably go looking for another job! Thank you, Jesus, for Rosalee and Natalie!  

Together Again

IN ALL THINGS GIVE THANKS 2.0: DAY 2

 Two and half years ago, I left the church that I had been attending for 30+ years.  A big part of my Upheaval.  When I went, it was one of the times I felt like I heard God speak so clearly.  He said Go.  I went.  

One of the most difficult parts of that Going, was that my. husband didn't Go with me.  Here I was torn between what I felt God said to me ("I'm taking you out to protect you.") and my husband saying to me (I don't want us to be apart for long.) That was a rough place to be. 

I left on my own.  Where God sent me, I felt like it was another clear moment of God speaking and directing me.  I thought that I would enjoy the church shopping I would do.  I mentally listed the things that were important to me in a church.  Then I began to search.  

I was quickly overwhelmed.  My heart was battered (had been battered for a lot of years.)  I was battle weary.  I needed a place to hide.  I needed a place to rest.  I needed a safe place to land.  

In my searching of local churches (online), I felt super-impressed to attend one in particular.  No audible words from God....just a Knowing to Go.  So I went. I spent the whole service feeling like every song, every word was spoken just for me.  I cried through the whole service.  

My church shopping didn't last long!  I've now been attending that church for two and a half years.  

In my hiding, I became very good at slipping in and out the doors without talking to anyone.  (I needed Jesus, but I wasn't so sure about His followers!) Slowly I started to put myself out there.....and I do mean slowly! It is so hard to "break in" to a new church, particularly when you're wounded.  

It took over two years for my husband to finally heed the nudge to leave our former church.  As of July, he's been attending my new church with me.  Yes, that is today's thankful post.  I am so thankful that Tim is attending church with me.  He's not phased by the mess that was our former church. He's not phased by people.  In the few months that he's been attending with me, I've met more people and have become more involved.  I'm so very thankful he is with me.  I feel safer.  I feel reconnected to him in ways that were different before.  

I wish that I could say that after two and half years away from my trauma that I was healed.  I think that will take awhile.  What it will look like, I can't say.  I know that there are certain things that I long for and pray for...like the return of my voice.  The lessening of anxieties.  The return of trust in others and in my self.  

In the meantime, I pray and I wait....but most of all Give Thanks.  

Taking Back My Voice

 IN ALL THINGS GIVE THANKS Day 2.1:

The year 2020 was a stinky year.  I'm not going to revisit all the stinkiness because we all have our own stink about 2020. One thing that was good for me that year was that I started a spiritual discipline using social media platforms.  I chose to give thanks, in all things, every day until the pandemic was over.  It was only suppose to be a two week "interruption" into our lives.  Of course, the pandemic went on and on and on.  As did my daily thanks discipline.  At the moment, I don't remember the final count of continual days of thanksgiving, but I do remember that I made it to over 1000 days of giving thanks.  That was almost 3 years.  

I loved this discipline.  I'm a pessimistic person by nature.  I often like to say that I'm not being pessimistic, I'm just be realist.  Tomato.  Tomahtoe.  I loved that in the midst of every day I would find something to be thankful for.  Sometimes it was something big.  Often times something small. Yet, ultimately, always thankful.  

I can't begin to tell you the good that did for me.  

Believe it or not, though, I believe that my thankful discipline was inadvertently part of my Upheaval.  Since I posted my thankful posts on social media, my friends saw them every day.  I believe it led some certain "friends" to assume certain things about me.  Which led them to assume other things about me.  My son once told me, that assuming things makes an ass out of you and me.  ASSUME That has stuck with. me. Great way to catch myself assuming things!

All of that to say, I found myself no longer feeling safe putting anything of myself out for others to see...to misuse....to misunderstand.....whatever.  I tried a different method of social media posting....a little more private...as some friends were encouraging of my posts.  Ultimately, I just couldn't any more.  Trust broken is a hard thing to fix. 

Fast forward a couple of years to last night.  I wrote my first post in a couple of years.  I've missed writing.  I've missed my Voice.  How do I get it back?  After I hit publish, I felt God prompting me that my Blog was the place to restart my Thankful posts.  I use to write quite a bit here and I loved it.  Without a voice, though, I found that I have had nothing to post.  Oh...but...I can always find something to be thankful for.  

So here we go. I feel safe here. This is MY space.  I loved that it was ME here...in my words...my stories...my thoughts....my faith. I may never broadcast to anyone that I am writing again.  Maybe some day I will.  For now, it's just me. I'm so glad to be back to being thankful.  Putting it down somewhere "permanent."  Being disciplined.  Using my words.  Maybe in this, I will find that my Voice, my words, will come back.  

Thank you, Jesus, for the reminder of this space.  For the glimmer of passion that I feel sparking in the undercurrents of Me.  

Help me to be faithful.

Have You Seen My Voice?

 I've spent the last hour or so rereading some of my past posts.  I started off reading the posts I made almost two years ago.  The basis around them was the Hope that I was healing from a great Upheaval.  I'm fighting the inclination to place the word Hope in quotes as I have found that healing from Upheaval (a.k.a. abuse: I can finally say that word) never seems to be complete.  It is hard.  It is layered.  It is dimensional.  

*sigh*

Sometimes I think that I should stop calling it healing.  Healing implies restoration.  I'm not restoring anything. There is no going back to the Christine that was.  No going back to the places that were.  There is no going back.  There is only going forward.  There is only finding new ways.  New places.  New everything.  

I don't like new.  

Reading my posts from way back, though, there is much that I miss.  I could list all that I miss, but I am going to resist.  

I mostly miss my Voice.  

I had things to say.  I said them.  I said them well.  Not perfect....but well.

That big Upheaval in my life, abuse, trauma....the results of that hang around awhile.  It isn't always in my face like it use to be....but I find that I notice it the most when I try to use my Voice.  This last week, I likened it to the Flight or Fight response.  Guess which one I am?  Flight for sure!  I wish that it was actually with my feet that I would fly....but its my words.  Even now, as I want to just spit all this out, my words don't come smooth.  Thoughts are jumbled.  Incoherent? Messy.  

How does one fix that?  Jesus and I talk about it quite a bit.  I know that He hears.  I guess His answer is: Not Yet.  

Not a great post.  This is really just for me.  Maybe some day I will look back at this post and realize that Jesus finally healed my fears, anxieties, brokenness and has given me a New Voice.  

I hope so.