Redeeming the Negative

One of my greatest failings in life is my anger and how quickly my frustrations get the better of me. It has been an area of my life that has caused me much grief. I have spent countless hours repenting, confessing, and pleading for freedom from this ugly blight in my life. Sometimes, I feel like God and I are getting a grip on it. Then other times, I blow it royally. What I wouldn't do to have anger be gone from my life for good.

A couple of months ago, when school was still pretty new for Luke, I said something off-handed in a moment of frustration and anger. It was so very wrong. I have never forgotten it...and I believe it haunts me to this day. For the area that I made the comment on, is now the areas that Luke is manifesting his learning problems in school. I am convinced....and I am not sure that I could ever not be convinced....that Luke's problems were exacerbated by my flying-off-the-handle comment.

From the research that I have done in the last few weeks, I am also convinced that Luke's issue has to do to: 1. He is a boy....boys mature a lot slower than girls. 2. He's just not ready. 3. He's a stubborn little man. But, when I see him absorbing lessons and learning like all the others....but when I ask him about his letters and numbers, I see him disconnect and distance himself. I truly believe that that disconnect is a consequence of my inaptly spoken words.

Thus, I am praying that God would redeem those awful words. Redeem: to deliver; restore the honor or worth of; to turn in and receive something in exchange; ransom, exchange or buy back. This is the specific area that I am asking God to repay what the locusts have eaten. (Joel 2:25)

I heard once that it takes NINE positive remarks to bridge the deficit caused by ONE negative remark. A negative word steals so much from someone. The picture that I have in my head right now is like when you emboss an image on a piece of paper. And though you could smooth that image out, the paper is still left marred. It may feel "smooth" to the touch, but when you look at the paper....you can still see the evidence of the mark.

I am praying that God will heal that mark that I made on my son. I am praying that God would give him a confidence that defies all the odds. I am also praying that I will be realistic in my expectations. I'm doing lots of research on ways that I can help my son. I am praying that God would help Luke to make the connections he needs to succeed. I just don't want my son to have to struggle all the time.

I am praying that through this whole adventure....Luke and I will be changed. Never to be the same again.

Mourning

Today was the first day since Tim and I made The Decision that I was "by myself." I found my emotions about my decision a little difficult today. I found myself mourning the "What Would Have Beens."

I started to think about the first day of school next year. For Luke...it will be the first day of kindergarten. Again.

The friends that he has this year....will be different next year. At the start of school, he would have been a first grader.

I was amazed at how quickly the positives that I know that this will be for Luke was swamped with all these would-have-beens. I was a little frustrated with that. I finally decided that it was okay to allow myself to mourn the change....or the loss...that will happen because of this decision. I do feel a loss. Right or wrong.....I don't know. It's just how I felt today.

I am praying that with time, I won't feel this loss anymore. I am praying that a year from now I will be dancing with the victory of what God has done in the following year in Luke's life. This is the verse that I am going to claim for this next year:

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
.....and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
Joel 2:25-26

The funny thing, I think maybe I am seeing a little bit of God's repayment. Last night, as Luke and I were playing around in an activity book that I purchased for him, Luke shocked my socks off. He was looking at a page where you needed to match the word with the picture. He asked me what the first word was...and for some reason, I asked him what he thought. "Egg!" And he was right!! He went down the entire page....probably 6-7 words....and he had every one of them right! I was floored. A boy who can't even tell me the name of most of the letters....seemingly read 6-7 words. He read them....either that or he was extremely lucky in looking at the pictures and guessing the word order.

If I doubted that I had any hope left....Hope smacked me in the choppers last night. It left me begging for more.

God's Workmanship

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10

This verse is my promise that God gave me for my Luke. I know that God has big plans for my little man. In the mean time, he is a 5 year old little boy.

And I am his Mom.

Luke and I, and his dad, too, are on a journey together. I would love to say that this journey has smooth paths, with clearly marked turns, round-a-bouts, and forks in the road. Being a person who hates the unknown, I would love to say that I know how to complete this journey from beginning to end. For us, these things aren't true all the time. So maybe instead of calling this a journey....I'm going to call it an adventure. We're on an adventure.

I've heard people say that life is an adventure. One definition I found for adventure is: an activity that comprises risky, dangerous and uncertain experiences. Since life, as an adventure, is usually a long adventure, I will assuredly believe that all of life is not risky and dangerous. Thank goodness. Yet there are certainly going to be times when life is risky or uncertain. For the last couple of months, our adventure has been a little uncertain. More uncertain for me than for Luke....and even for his dad. Maybe because I am the mom and my whole job right now is to raise my son and to make the best choices for him. I am his primary care giver. Okay....I make excuses. I, by nature, take all of life a little uncertain.

For the last couple of months, Luke has been struggling in school. For the most part, he has been thriving in kindergarten; but, in learning his letters and numbers, he has found a challenge. For a boy who loves an adventure....who thrives on adventure....he often "gives up" when things get difficult. When we play a game, if he starts to lose, he will stop the game and "rework" the rules...or just not play . Unfortunately, in the game of school, you can't change the rules. So, in my opinion, he has chosen no longer play.

It has been very difficult to watch my son struggle. When I have discussions with him about him being able to do anything he wants if he just keeps trying and never gives up, I want to cry and throw a little tantrum when he tells me "But, Mom, I've already given up on somethings." How can this smart little boy give up when he is only 5? It breaks my heart.

After a lot of prayer, and a lot of seeking advice, Tim and I have decided to pull Luke out of kindergarten for the year. We are going to give him the gift of another year to mature. This, for me, is where the uncertainty and the unknown I've alluded to in my previous posts, comes to light.

I know that we are making the best decision for Luke at this point in time. I don't believe that this decision will do anything but help him. I have just a lot of uncertainties lurking at me from around every corner. Like....how do I....a person who totally lacks teaching abilities, help my son get the leg up for next year. I'm going to be spending a lot of time researching things....praying....playing with my son and trusting that God, in His infinite wisdom, knows what He is doing.....and where He is guiding us on this little adventure.

I covet your prayers. I will probably be sharing more in the days to come. I've had more thoughts running around in my head than I know what to do with. This has affected me in ways that I would never have quite imagined. Yet, in all things, I will continue to believe that God is good.

Thankful Thursday

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.
-Cynthia Ozick

Have you ever had days where you feel like you haven't done a whole lot....but at the days end you are so exhausted that your body yearns to climb in bed? I have had one of those days. Yet on this side of it, it feels good to be on the other side.

Today I am thankful for:

• the wise people that God has put in my life. I feel so blessed. Knowing how hard it is for me to put myself out there, God has done well to place in my life the people He has. I am so thankful.

• For the affirmations and confirmations that I received today. They were such a tangible evidence of God's confirmation on a decision I feel He made a week ago. It took me that long to agree with Him. Life would be so much easier if I would just get in line with Him so much faster.
  

• That my husband heard my exhaustion and let us go to Costco for dinner. The thought of cooking a dinner and cleaning it up was more than I was able to handle tonight.
  

• That my daughter is being so much more agreeable with her piano practice. Oh how I needed that.
  

• For my family. Each one of them is a precious gift in my life. Without them, my life would be so gray.
  

I am so blessed.

The Unknown

I hate it. Plain and simple. I hate it.

I am not sure there is anything good to say about the Unknown. It is stressful. It leaves way too much open for speculation. For a pessimist....speculation is never good. What is that old adage? Prepare for the worst, expecting the best. I'm sorry. One cannot prepare for the worst without expecting the worst, too. Besides, with the unknown, there is no preparing. And I think that is the root of my issue with the Unknown.

On the other hand, expecting the best seems like a recipe for failure and disappointment. What am I saying? (I'm totally chastising myself here.) I just threw Hope under the bus. Yet as I dance around with Hope and the Unknown, I feel like I am spinning out of control and about to be broadsided by a roaring bus.

Which one wins? Hope? Or the Unknown?

I'm trying to cast my vote for Hope.

Growing Up.

Yesterday was a proud day for this Mom. It has been a while since I have taken a moment to acknowledge that fact. So, I guess I better get busy.

Yesterday, Daria received an award from school for being Responsible and a Good Citizen. I was happy to see that she is more responsible at school than she is at home! I suppose that she is learning something! I am always a proud mom when my kids do their best at school.

Then, last night, when she was practicing her piano, I heard her focusing on a particular part of a song. Usually, she is dashing through her practice, anxious to get onto other things. But, I noticed her playing this part over, and over again. I even heard her express some frustration. I fully expected her to throw a little fit and call it quits. Surprisingly she stuck with it and worked it out.

I was determined that I was going to acknowledge her accomplishment when she came back upstairs. I had spent a lot of time praying over her practicing last year. It was often a source of contention between her and I. So far this year, she is taking a lot more responsibility for her practicing...as well as not throwing these fits about/during her practicing. It really has been weight off my shoulders.

Before I could even get a chance to acknowledge her good efforts, Daria came upstairs quite proud of herself. She gave me a blow by blow description of how she had worked through that troublesome spot. All I could do was smile and tell her I was proud of her for sticking it through.

My little girl is growing up.

Dumping my Heart and Mind

Here I said I was going to get back on track with my blogging. My mind has been consumed with thoughts bigger than I can handle. In fact, I haven't been handling them very well at all. When I am away from the computer, I find myself starting to organize my thoughts and develop a post in my head. Then, when my quiet time comes and my opportunity to blog arises, I find that my words are gone....replaced by a new tangle of thoughts that I am unable to unravel at that moment.

For the last couple of months, I have been wrestling. Wrestling with my thoughts. Wrestling with faith and what real faith looks like in this situation. Wrestling with the profound impact of a decision. When I am truly honest with myself, (which sucks, by the way), the issue I wrestle with smacks my pride. Ouch.

Do you ever wonder why God gives you what He decides to give you? God supposedly never gives us more than we can handle. Yet, when I lay in bed at night, when there is nothing to distract me, I talk with God. I tell Him that I can't handle this. I don't want to handle this. Don't you see, God, I don't want to mess this up. It's too big. Then I cringe because I feel like I have spoken out loud the doubt that swamps my spirit. (Like God doesn't already know!!) Is it doubt in God or is it doubt in myself? Doubt just seems so wrong. Can a mustard-seed-sized faith exist in a sea of doubt?

But you know....everywhere I turn God keeps telling me not to give up. In fact, in church yesterday....in BIG, and bold letters.....written on the wall, no less.... God said:

DON'T GIVE UP!

I guess that is how my mustard-seed-sized faith stays afloat. God keeps throwing out a little lifeline, and I wrap my arms around it and I cling to it with my last ebbing bit of strength. Somehow I have got to keep reminding myself of all these promises. I am thankful that God keeps throwing it back in my face.

Maybe I won't screw things up as badly as I think.....