Here I said I was going to get back on track with my blogging. My mind has been consumed with thoughts bigger than I can handle. In fact, I haven't been handling them very well at all. When I am away from the computer, I find myself starting to organize my thoughts and develop a post in my head. Then, when my quiet time comes and my opportunity to blog arises, I find that my words are gone....replaced by a new tangle of thoughts that I am unable to unravel at that moment.
For the last couple of months, I have been wrestling. Wrestling with my thoughts. Wrestling with faith and what real faith looks like in this situation. Wrestling with the profound impact of a decision. When I am truly honest with myself, (which sucks, by the way), the issue I wrestle with smacks my pride. Ouch.
Do you ever wonder why God gives you what He decides to give you? God supposedly never gives us more than we can handle. Yet, when I lay in bed at night, when there is nothing to distract me, I talk with God. I tell Him that I can't handle this. I don't want to handle this. Don't you see, God, I don't want to mess this up. It's too big. Then I cringe because I feel like I have spoken out loud the doubt that swamps my spirit. (Like God doesn't already know!!) Is it doubt in God or is it doubt in myself? Doubt just seems so wrong. Can a mustard-seed-sized faith exist in a sea of doubt?
But you know....everywhere I turn God keeps telling me not to give up. In fact, in church yesterday....in BIG, and bold letters.....written on the wall, no less.... God said:
I guess that is how my mustard-seed-sized faith stays afloat. God keeps throwing out a little lifeline, and I wrap my arms around it and I cling to it with my last ebbing bit of strength. Somehow I have got to keep reminding myself of all these promises. I am thankful that God keeps throwing it back in my face.
Maybe I won't screw things up as badly as I think.....
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