Mourning

Today was the first day since Tim and I made The Decision that I was "by myself." I found my emotions about my decision a little difficult today. I found myself mourning the "What Would Have Beens."

I started to think about the first day of school next year. For Luke...it will be the first day of kindergarten. Again.

The friends that he has this year....will be different next year. At the start of school, he would have been a first grader.

I was amazed at how quickly the positives that I know that this will be for Luke was swamped with all these would-have-beens. I was a little frustrated with that. I finally decided that it was okay to allow myself to mourn the change....or the loss...that will happen because of this decision. I do feel a loss. Right or wrong.....I don't know. It's just how I felt today.

I am praying that with time, I won't feel this loss anymore. I am praying that a year from now I will be dancing with the victory of what God has done in the following year in Luke's life. This is the verse that I am going to claim for this next year:

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
.....and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
Joel 2:25-26

The funny thing, I think maybe I am seeing a little bit of God's repayment. Last night, as Luke and I were playing around in an activity book that I purchased for him, Luke shocked my socks off. He was looking at a page where you needed to match the word with the picture. He asked me what the first word was...and for some reason, I asked him what he thought. "Egg!" And he was right!! He went down the entire page....probably 6-7 words....and he had every one of them right! I was floored. A boy who can't even tell me the name of most of the letters....seemingly read 6-7 words. He read them....either that or he was extremely lucky in looking at the pictures and guessing the word order.

If I doubted that I had any hope left....Hope smacked me in the choppers last night. It left me begging for more.