Jesus is knitting me back together. Taking my wounded heart, stitching it together, weaving beauty out of my scars.
Healing is hard though. Some days I feel like I've taken 5 huge strides forward. Only to be knocked back about 20 the next day. Okay. I may be exaggerating a little, but some times that is how I *feel.* I know, I know....feelings aren't accurate. I guess that is a good thing.
Today, I've been wrestling with something. There is a part of me that feels like Jesus is asking me to take a step into something that is a mite "fearful." (Actually, I'm sure that "mite" isn't quite right....but "hugely" is much more accurate!) It is full to overflowing with Unknowns. (I'm not overly fond of unknowns....much less Unknowns with a capital U!)
The thing is, my Upheaval has left me in a very lonely place. For a good long while, I hid....and I did a really good job of hiding! Now, as I'm slowly healing, I find myself beginning to peek out and around....silently hoping that I might be found. This isn't really an awesome place to be. Maybe I'm wrestling with this Hope of Being Found because I'm struggling against this time of Being Still and Knowing that He is God. Is this step just me not trusting the place He has me in? Desperate to be found by someone? Would I be leaving this place where Jesus has been mending my brokenness with seams of gold?
Today, I dared to ask Jesus if I could be like Gideon. I dared to ask Him to confirm things. Please, Jesus, just leave me a dripping fleece in the desert. Then, I dared ask Jesus if I could be like Moses. Jesus, can I have an Aaron in my life? Can I have someone that goes with me?
So I wrestle.
I'm just a girl wandering in the desert, trying to find her way through to the Promised Land. I've made a lot of mistakes and missteps, and I'll probably make a lot more. One of these days, I'm gonna cross my Jordan. Hopefully it doesn't take me 40 years. (Please, Jesus!)
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