I've been attending a new-to-me church for the last 8 months. This church, the pastor, the music has been a balm to my wounded heart. For many, many months, I just needed to hide for a while and let Jesus tend to broken spots. I'm healing, and as I'm healing, I find myself hoping again. I've found myself in a strange place, though. Feeling hopeful. Feeling stronger. Yet, feeling wary.
Yesterday was Sunday. Church day. If I'm honest with myself, for a couple of years, the church that I attended was a place where I felt afraid. I dreaded Sunday mornings. I knew that church was where Jesus wanted me to be. I went out of obedience....and maybe even obligation.
Then, one day, Jesus told me to leave. Go. So I went.
That was when I started attending my current church. Where I've been hiding, and healing. I find that I look forward to church once again. I'm anxious to hear what the pastor has to say. Now. after many months, I want to make connections with people. I am awful about that! I've never been a very outgoing person. It's hard work!
Yesterday, the sermon was good. A little hard, too. One thing the pastor said was that following Jesus was a new invitation to be a part of His family. We are adopted in. We don't get to choose our family. Following Jesus together makes us family.
I kind of battle with that statement. Thirty some years ago, I chose to attend my last church. Eight months ago, I chose to attend a different church. Yes, because we follow Jesus, we are family. BUT.....it's not like our born-into family. When we are born into a family, we are known from the moment we take our first breath. Attending a new church is hard. Harder for some than others. When I think of the churches I've attending in my lifetime, I was known by someone before I went. I'm currently attending a church where I wasn't already known by someone. (Ok....I know some...sort of...) When you attend a church because you know someone, you've already have a foot in the door. You are known. You are introduced around. You have instant connection.
When I started attending this church, I desperately needed a place to hide. My church had left me wounded. I hid well. (I mean well!) Jesus and I needed to work through some things. Now, as I'm healing, and my church is talking about church as family, I'm finding I want to know and be known again. That's harder to do than you'd think. (That's part of the reason I want an Aaron. Someone to go with me.)
I started this post wanting to talk about this gift I received from one of Daria's friends.
Isn't it beautiful? Daria's friend, my friend, George, (Elli Inglesby, for future reference when she becomes famous!) painted it for me. As a gift. This gift has undone me. In ways I can't really describe. For months, I've checked my mail everyday, a tiny part of me wishing that someone cared enough to think of me. George's gift is beautiful in more ways than appearance. I'm not sure what prompted sweet George to paint this for me. I'm a lucky girl! God used her precious gift. He sees me. He loves me. He is with me and takes care of me.
I'm not sure why I started this post about George's sweet gift, with talking about longing to be known again at church. George does not attend my church. Maybe her gift was just God's way of letting me know that He sees all my struggles. I'm seen by the only One that really matters. Relax. Trust.
I think I will close with the verse that George wrote on the back of her painting. I'm in a healing place....and I will go out with joy!
"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12
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