Sounds of Retreat

Today, I found a new blessing of my laptop that my sweetie bought me. Here I am, miles away from home, on a spiritual retreat, and I can blog about my experiences almost at the time that they happened. I find that so fun.

One of the blessings that I am finding at retreat this year, is my times alone. Each morning there is a scheduled solo time. A time to be alone with God. That is such a rare time for me. Especially to have a whole hour. (who has that anymore??) Even my free time has been spent predominately by myself. I spent over an hour walking down the beach, with my iPod turned to praise music. It was wonderful. I've been a little surprised at my enjoyment of being alone. As much as I've enjoyed my times with friends, even.

This morning at morning worship, someone made a comment about loving when two of their worlds collide. For me, I define that as when God drives home a lesson. He makes a point. Then He makes a point of remaking that point. Get my drift? Today, at my solo time, I felt like God was making a point of remaking a point for me. Loved that colliding of my worlds.

Like Paul of Old, I have a thorn in the flesh....that, at this point in time, God has chosen not to remove. My anger tends to get the best of me. A failing that I have repented of time and again. And I do mean time and again. I cannot even begin to number the amount of times that I have had to fall on my knees and beg for God's forgiveness....only to turn around and fail again.

A week or so ago, as I lay awake, desperately trying to sleep, I started to pray about numerous things. As I prayed, I realized that though I had often asked God to forgive my anger, I had never asked Him to release me from the bondage of my anger. Isn't that an interesting thought? Quick to ask for forgiveness....but failing to asked to be released. That night, I prayed that God would release me from my anger. I decided that I would pray for that as long as it took for God to answer. I plan on storming the gates of heaven, if I must.

Today, during my solo time, I was reading in Colossians 2. I was doing a study on the names that had been given Jesus by others. As I read, I was drawn to verses that I had highlighted before. These are the snippets of scripture that I read from Colossians:

"Christ, who is the head over every power and authority..." (vs. 10)

"In Him, you were circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature...circumcision done by Christ" (vs. 11)

"He forgave us all our sins" (vs. 13)

"He took it away, nailing it to the cross...." (vs. 14)

"And having disarmed the powers and authorities....triumphing over them by the cross..." (vs 15)

Okay...that was pretty awesome. To think about God circumcising my sinful nature. Circumcise is a pretty descriptive word. When I looked up the word in the dictionary, some of the words used in the definition were cut, removal, amputate. When a little boy is circumcised, that foreskin is gone. Never to be put back on again.

As I continued on again in my name study, I was taken to Matthew 8. It is the story about Jesus healing a man with leprosy. Even after I found the name that Jesus was called, I was drawn to a part of the story.

"'Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.'

Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. 'I am willing,' he said, 'Be clean'

Immediately he was cured of his leprosy."

Immediately. A word that I understand. Yet, sometime God chooses not to be immediate. Even so, I really felt like God was telling me that He is willing. He is willing. And I know that my God is able. He can cure the leper. He can free the demon-possessed. He can raise the dead. Yet somehow there is a part of me that says that though God is willing...and He is able...I will not be freed from my anger. My anger will win out every time. How wrong that is to think that I am not able to be freed. That is telling my God that He is not bigger than my anger. Why is that so hard to believe? Why is it so hard for me to believe that God will free me? The phrase that came to me at the time was "help my unbelief." I had to look up the scripture where that came from.

I was taken to Mark 9:21-24. It is the story of the demon-possessed boy that Jesus healed.

"Jesus asked the boy's father, 'How long has he been like this?'

'From childhood,' he answered, 'It has often thrown him into the fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us.'

''If you can?' Jesus said. 'Everything is possible for him that believes.'

Immediately, the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe, help me to overcome my unbelief!'"

I've decided that that final declaration by the boy's father needs to be my daily declaration as well. I need to say it to myself every day until my heart takes ownership of it. I need to declare it every time I feel the anger boiling in my stomach. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every time.

I DO BELIEVE. HELP ME TO OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF!