Christmas: In Review

Christmas didn't look like I thought it was going to look like. But, you know, the funny thing about Christmas is somehow Christmas always ends up pretty good. God is good that way.

Our tradition has been to celebrate Christmas Eve with Tim's family....get up early Christmas day and drive to North Idaho to be with my family. It has actually worked out pretty slick over the years. This year things were a little too slick to make all that happen.

On Christmas Eve, it took us 2 1/2 hours to make a normal 1 hr 15 minute trip. The first half of the trip was probably one of the most exciting, yet completely nerve-wracking experiences of my life. The unusual snow storm we had this year made travel in our area a nightmare. Thankfully, we stayed on the roads and made it to our destination. For the amount of time we were with family, I would much rather have stayed home! I hope they know that we love them, because family is the only ones that makes an experience like that worthwhile. Here are a few pictures from our Christmas Eve event:

I got to hold David Howard!! Isn't he just the cutest? I have a scowly look on my face because I was wanting Tim to catch a picture of him "eating" the ball we gave him for Christmas...I wasn't sure that he had gotten one. I guess he did. It was fun watching him munch on it.


Here are all the Brandt Cousins. It was hard to get them all to look at the camera and smile all at the same time. It didn't help that they were all tired and sugared up....but they were cute anyway.

And here is my family on Christmas Eve....after 2 1/2 hours of awful snow driving....3 hours of Christmas Fun...and anticipating a long, messy drive home. Going home was better than getting there....but still quite the experience. Portland really doesn't do snow very well at all.

Then comes Christmas. Due to the awful road conditions, we opted to stay at home Christmas Day in hopes that things would improve given time. It was disappointing.....but when I get to hug and kiss on my three, very special Christmas gifts.....it's not so bad.

The next three pictures are just to highlight some of the fun things of the morning:




We had a good day together. The kids ended the day taking a bath together. They had gotten bath kits the night before and had a lot of fun. I had put bath tint tablets in their stockings...so they added those too. It wasn't until this morning, that I noticed that they had used the WHOLE container!! No wonder the water was black....and left a scum line to end all scum lines.
One of Caden's gifts was Uno Attack. (Have I ever mentioned before how much that boy loves games?) The day after Christmas, I think that Tim, Daria, and Caden played Uno Attack for 6 hours straight. From 11:00 in the morning, until 5:00 at night. That about sums up The Day After Christmas. It doesn't need a post of its own!

Though we have managed to have a good time on Plan B for Christmas, we still miss being in North Idaho with family. Things just don't seem the same. Both Daria and I have shed our share of tears....but we are eagerly anticipating a possible Late Christmas some time in January. Caden thought maybe it would be fun to save his Idaho Christmas presents for his birthday so that he would have twice as many presents on his birthday. When I reminded him that he had 6 months until his birthday, he decided that wasn't as good of an idea as he first thought!

With all the snow we had these last couple of weeks, tomorrow looks good for having Church. Church was canceled last week due to the snow....Christmas Eve was "canceled," even though they did an abbreviated service for whomever could get there. Not sure how many actually made it there. When they did the kids' Christmas program a couple of weeks ago, not many were there because of snow....so....they are presenting it again tomorrow. The Melody Chime choir that I am a part of will be doing our Christmas songs on January 4th.

Looks like we are having Make-Up Christmases everywhere. I'm praying that the Weather will behave and all our Make-Ups can really be made up. I'm putting in my requests to the Great Planner....NOW!!

As the Clock Strikes......

It is almost Christmas Eve. Literally. There is about 20 minutes until it is officially Christmas Eve. I just finished wrapping Christmas gifts a couple of minutes ago. I thought I would celebrate by drinking my last little bit of egg nog....and writing a quick blog.

It has been a crazy week. Or a couple of weeks really. I feel like I have been living someone else's life. It is like the snow has distorted everything and things seem the same....and yet totally different all at the same time. The snow has also canceled every single Christmas event that I have had planned thus far. Our Christmas tree reminds me that it really is Christmas. Even our family gathering tomorrow has been moved due to fallen trees at my in-laws. (Guess they are worried that more will fall while we celebrate???)

As I was reading my book last night, one of the characters made a very profound statement: "You make plans and God makes plans, guess who has seniority in the planning department."

That was a good reminder for me last night. God knows all that is happening....and He isn't surprised by it. He is in control...and I am not.

With that, I am off to bed. Merry Christmas!

p.s. Happy Birthday, Kristin....I hope you had a wonderful day!! Love ya!

And it just keeps coming.....

Aka: Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

Last night, before we went to bed, Tim cleared off a portion of the deck. This morning, when I measured, there was another 7 inches of snow!!

Craziness!

I was listening to the news briefly and the newscaster was saying that we have had 14.5 inches of snow. To some, like my parents who live in a snow belt, that doesn't sound like a whole bunch. But for our area, it is crazy. The newscaster also said that this December 2008 snowfall is the most December snow the Portland area has had since 1968. This particular storm system we are in right now, he said it is the largest winter storm EVER since 1980.

Pretty impressive records that have been shattered. In my opinion, anyway. The best way to tell the story is through pictures. So, I think I will post a few.

This is a picture of the big pine tree in our front yard. Occasionally, the snow gets too heavy and we have a big down fall of snow. I just happened to capture some of it. A little bit later, I noticed that we lost a couple of branches on that tree as well. They were close to the house....but didn't seem to cause any damage.
The kids were having a great time playing in the snow. It was fun to see how much snow was piled on the roof.

Then I turned around on the deck and tried to get a perspective shot on the amount of snow on the roof of the house. I found that pretty amazing.

At least this last round was nice and fluffy again. Made the playing a little more worthwhile.

This is a picture I couldn't resist. This is my neighbor's car literally buried under all the snow. Crazy!! And even though this car is buried...our other neighbor attempted to get his car out of the drive way.

They spent a good half hour or so out there spitting snow and dirt trying to get that car to move. It now sits exactly where it sits right now. If they had been paying attention at all they would have noticed others getting stuck. Our culdesac doesn't get much traffic, so it is a death trap right now.


One last perspective shot. I thought our mailboxes looked cool with their little snow caps on. I noticed that our mail carrier didn't arrive today until after 5:00. How miserable!!


This afternoon, I was blessed to have Ryan, our neighbor, who had the weather-worthy vehicle take me to the mall today. I was really amazed at how many people were on the roads...and at the malls. Guess they were just as desperate as I was. I was thankful for the opportunity to get out of the house. I was also thankful that Tim made it home from work safely. His work actually closed things down early....and I was very happy to hear that. I am just wishing that they would close it for the rest of the week.

Hope everyone is staying warm and dry.

Sportscaster of the Year!

My precious Luke has quite the imagination. Half of the time, I have no idea where he has learned some of the things that he picks up. I declare he is going to have one interesting future ahead of him! The world is at his fingers and he will seize it. I predict it!!

While I was preparing the post on our Snow Adventures, he was at the table behind me. He had pulled out about 20 plastic cups and he was enjoying stacking them up as high as he could and in fun designs. When I write, I often find myself in a zone and I don't notice a whole lot going on around me. Somewhere in the midst of my focus, I began to notice what Luke was chattering about.

Crack. Me. Up.

As I listened to my son, I noticed that he was giving a blow-by-blow description of the steps that he was taking. It was just like he was a sportscaster calling a game. So, as I tried to finish my post, I found myself focusing on what he was saying. When he would have a great line, I would scribble it down so I wouldn't forget. So, here is a taste of Luke: Sportscaster of the Year:

Look at Luke go----He's incredible!
Look at him go....he's doing great!
Good! Now it's time for the Table Maker.
If you make the biggest, you won! He makes two in a row. Oh! He knocks it over. He recatches! Did you see that? Wow!! Look at him go!
He zig zags again! He's working hard.
That is so amazing!
Look at that Zig Zagger go! How did he do that?
It's my imagination!

Oh he was so adorable. Too bad you all couldn't have gotten an actual taste of his great commentary. I declare....he's going to be awesome one day!!

Snow What Fun....

Or as the newscasters are calling it: Arctic Blast 2008.

A friend of mine on Facebook says to Embrace the Weather. That's what we're trying to do. It has been crazy snowing here. Our area is lucky to get a handful of inches of snow each year. We've blown that away in the last twenty four hours. So far....we have had 10-12 inches of snow....and about 3/8 of an inch of freezing rain. If you look behind the tape measure...you can see that the measurement is close to 10 inches. Our porch is somewhat protected...so the open road has more!



Yesterday the snow was BEAUTIFUL. It was light and fluffy and perfect for sledding. It being Saturday, the five of us bundled up and hit the hill in the park...just outside our backyard.

We also went sledding with some friends from church. We all had a great time racing down the hills....
....and eating the snow.




It really was the perfect winter day. Beautiful snow. Fun hills to slide on. Friends to play with. And Tim was home from work!! Yeah. The kids have had a blast.

Then last night, the freezing rain came in. Ugh. I love the snow....but I hate freezing rain. It just makes a mess of everything. BUT....the kids have managed to have fun anyway.




So, that is how we are surviving, I mean embracing, the weather this week. My only wishes are that: 1) Tim didn't have to go to work tomorrow in this mess; and 2) that I could be guaranteed that we could at least have our Christmas celebrations with family.

Here is to saying lots of prayers...and crossing our fingers. Stay safe, warm and dry!


Notice the downed branches in the above picture!!

Blast to the Past

Music can be a very powerful influence on a person. Teachers use music all the time to help their students memorize random facts of life. I know that every time I sing the hymn, "When We All Get to Heaven," I think of my Grandma Willa. And when I hear, "Up From the Grave," I think of my Grandpa Wayne and how he loved to draw out the phrasing. Powerful emotions get attached to music. Music can change the world.

Today, Daria and I had a Mom-and-Daria day. The boys were off to a play date, so we had some quality time together. Since the roads were icy, and Tim took our one semi-decent "weather" vehicle to work with him, Daria and I walked to Joe's Sporting Goods to do a little shopping. I decided to treat us to McDonald's for lunch, too. As we were sitting there eating, a song came on that flashed me back about 2(ahem)7 years.

Scare me.

As we were listening to that song, I was right back in the dentist office of Dr. Coppess in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. I could see just about every detail of the waiting room. In that moment, I could have laid out his whole office and picked the fabric swatches. I probably even remember the magazine selection on the coffee tables as well. It was so eery. Funny thing is, though, that every time I hear this song, I am taken back to his office. Not sure why that song sends me back there. I wonder if I have some sort of horrible, subconscious memory of an incident that occurred while that song was playing. Or maybe that song was playing every time I was in his office. He probably had a canned, easy-listening track that played on a repetitive cycle. I don't know..it is just plain weird.

I was so amused by this music-memory phenomenon, that I tried to chant the key phrasing so that I would remember it, so that I could blog about it. It was such a hilarious moment for me. But you know, when I finally got home and had some time to blog, I could not recall the song to save my life. Ugh. That is so frustrating.

Just a few minutes ago, I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I found myself singing this little ditty to myself. After singing that phrase about half a dozen times, it dawned on me that it was that song that I was singing. So, quick....here I am...sharing this profound (ha!) moment of my day.

So, for your listening pleasure tonight, here is the song that blasted me to the past today: You'll Never Find by Lou Rawls.

Thankful Thursday....Snow Day Style

After a week of my schedule and plans being thrown off, I am proud to say that we survived the first round of winter storms for the Portland Area. That alone is something to be thankful for. The forecasters say there is another round of storms to come, so I guess I better get busy and be thankful. I may just be grumbling in a couple. I'll pray that we keep it all together though!!

So, this week I am thankful for:

• A warm house. As the weather dipped to the low 20s this week, I have been so thankful for a warm, dry home to come home to. I have also so enjoyed my new "decorating" job. It has been a blessing to sit and enjoy it when I have felt a little stiry crazy this week. God has blessed us.
  

• For the snow. Yes, I will be thankful for the snow. It was so fun to watch the kids enjoying the good, honest fun of sledding. I am thankful that we live close to the park with a great hill. (Even though, sometimes it gets overrun with big kids who don't pay attention very well!) For a couple of days, the white snow was truly beautiful to look at.
  

• For Tim's safety driving to and from work. I wish he could stay home with us and have a "true" snow day. Instead, I will be thankful for his safety.

• That the kids and I made a break for it today. Yes....we actually were able to leave the house today. Probably could have braved the roads yesterday, but the forecast sounded beyond horrible, so Tim took the van to work. I didn't want to mess with the car on the yucky roads. Today, the roads were actually very good. The kids and I made it to a couple of stores and I completed a little bit more of my shopping. That felt good. Even though I don't care for shopping that much, it was nice to get out and about.
  

A week until Christmas. I can't hardly believe that it is that closely upon us. Crazy. Where has the month of December gone? It really hasn't felt much like the Christmas season, as all the "celebrations" we had planned got canceled. I guess family is the true meaning of Christmas....and for that I have been blessed.

Happy Thankful Thursday....and Merry CHRISTMAS!!!

Stir Crazy

This is just craziness. Tomorrow is Day 3 of Snow Days. The kids and I are going just a little bit looney. For the last two days, we haven't had any new snow in our area. Thus, the snow that is here is not the best for playing in. So, with it being cold and not-so-great snow, the kids and I have been stuck inside today. Oh my.

As the cabin fever sneaks in, I have been noticing an increase of the Bug-a=Mes. Meaning...."I am going to bug you until you scream....or you hit my in frustration." Oh joy.(Right now, Luke and Daria are enjoying doing "bottom stamps" to each other. It is all fun and games until someone......) That just drives me nuts. In an effort to stave off those Bug-a-Mes...the kids and I made sugar cookies today. We also watched 3 past episodes of Survivor. We are looking forward to watching some more episodes tomorrow. I missed this whole last season....so I am hoping to finish it. I may just get my wish.

The rest of the week isn't looking too good for school either. The weather just looks nasty tomorrow. With more snow...freezing rain...and more snow. Yuck. The city of Portland is asking people to stay home tomorrow. (I doubt Tim will, though.) I just hope the roads clear enough before Christmas that we can do our traveling to family.

Maybe I should have titled todays post: Adventures in Christmas. Oy.

Slicker than Sn_ _!

Winter in Oregon is definitely an experience. We are woefully, inadequately prepared to handle any amount of snowfall.....especially if it hangs around for more than 24 hours!! As I mentioned yesterday, we had 4-5 inches of snow on Sunday. It closed schools today....and closing schools tomorrow. We are due to have more snow arrive on Wednesday. Looks like we have a good chance of a bonus week of Christmas vacation!

BUT....Murphy's law has been at work in my Christmas shopping "plans." This year, it really stinks big time to be a procrastinator. (I'm vowing now to be better next year. Tim took the van today because it was the vehicle with chains. That left me without a car. So, when he got home tonight, I headed out to try and conquer my Christmas list. My goodness is it slick out there. I wish that I could take a picture that would show the glistening ice everywhere. Because Oregon doesn't have snow plows....all that lovely snow gets packed onto the roads. And it is slippery. I don't mind driving in the snow....it is the ice that really gets me.

One benefit to the ice is that there weren't many people out shopping. I probably shouldn't have been out there, either. That fact that it was quiet shopping....made my little night adventure worthwhile. I so hate the holiday crowds.

So, I am close to being done. If worse comes to worse, I may be handing out cash to those who I haven't found gifts for yet. Ugh. I hate that. But....I refuse to traipse the miles to the mall on the icy roads.

Hope everyone is staying warm, dry, and safe.

Color Me Christmas

Today it snowed. There is just something about snow and Christmas. They go together like bread and butter. Peanut butter and chocolate. Laverne and Shirley. Kids and Candy. (Tim wanted to add: Like Garlic Cheese biscuits and strawberry jam. Eeewww.) Enough of that...you catch my drift.

I love the snow. I love how it covers over the dreary, gray landscape. I love how it frosts the trees just so. I love how it brightens the sky. I even love the orangish tint the sky takes on after dark when it is snowing. (If you think that is odd....pay attention the next time it snows in the dark. I could always tell when it was snowing in the dark, early morning hours by the color of the sky. Trust me.) For me, if it isn't a white Christmas....something is wrong.

So today, with the snow coming down, I sort of rejoiced. It makes it feel so much more like Christmas. The boys and I headed out to the hill in the park and they spent a couple of hours roaring down the hills. I will admit that I joined them a couple of times. How could I resist? I find it amusing that my kids who can't pick up their rooms because they are too tired, can spend tireless hours soaring down the hill only to drudge back up a kazillion times. Such is life.

Snow, for our area, also means SCHOOLS CLOSED. Sure enough, they cancelled school for the day....for tomorrow, I mean. I usually enjoy those days because I like sleeping in just as much as the kids. BUT....I am no where near completed on my Christmas shopping. Monday was going to be my big day to get it all done....or mostly done. I was hoping, anyway. Now....I have all my kids home from school....Tim is taking the van because it has chains. So.....if I want to get any shopping done, I'll need to walk. With three kids who, I'm sure, will be too tired.

I guess to solve my Holiday worries, I will have to make some sugar cookie dough or something and keep the kids entertained. Guess I will just put all the shopping aside for the day and hope for the best.

Besides....it looks like Christmas out there. Yippee!!

Decking the Halls

With less than two weeks until Christmas, we finally got our tree up today!! I think that is the latest that we have ever done it. I cannot tell you how tempting it was to just skip doing it this year. Ah...but tradition....and the kids....wouldn't allow us to skip the tree. Once it is up and beautiful, I usually am pretty glad about it, too.

The kids did really good decorating this year. It didn't feel quite as much like a tornado whipping through my house as it has in years past. I'm sure that it is a combination of my kids growing older and their mom relaxing about it a little. They also did a better "placement" of the ornaments this year, too. It is good to see them thinking about it before they actually put them on there. The only ones that I "moved" was those ones that had fallen off the tree. Once again, I think I am relaxing. Ha. Finally.

And....after all that work....we don't have a full on view of the tree....but at least the pictures give you a taste of Christmas at our house. Enjoy!

Redeeming the Negative

One of my greatest failings in life is my anger and how quickly my frustrations get the better of me. It has been an area of my life that has caused me much grief. I have spent countless hours repenting, confessing, and pleading for freedom from this ugly blight in my life. Sometimes, I feel like God and I are getting a grip on it. Then other times, I blow it royally. What I wouldn't do to have anger be gone from my life for good.

A couple of months ago, when school was still pretty new for Luke, I said something off-handed in a moment of frustration and anger. It was so very wrong. I have never forgotten it...and I believe it haunts me to this day. For the area that I made the comment on, is now the areas that Luke is manifesting his learning problems in school. I am convinced....and I am not sure that I could ever not be convinced....that Luke's problems were exacerbated by my flying-off-the-handle comment.

From the research that I have done in the last few weeks, I am also convinced that Luke's issue has to do to: 1. He is a boy....boys mature a lot slower than girls. 2. He's just not ready. 3. He's a stubborn little man. But, when I see him absorbing lessons and learning like all the others....but when I ask him about his letters and numbers, I see him disconnect and distance himself. I truly believe that that disconnect is a consequence of my inaptly spoken words.

Thus, I am praying that God would redeem those awful words. Redeem: to deliver; restore the honor or worth of; to turn in and receive something in exchange; ransom, exchange or buy back. This is the specific area that I am asking God to repay what the locusts have eaten. (Joel 2:25)

I heard once that it takes NINE positive remarks to bridge the deficit caused by ONE negative remark. A negative word steals so much from someone. The picture that I have in my head right now is like when you emboss an image on a piece of paper. And though you could smooth that image out, the paper is still left marred. It may feel "smooth" to the touch, but when you look at the paper....you can still see the evidence of the mark.

I am praying that God will heal that mark that I made on my son. I am praying that God would give him a confidence that defies all the odds. I am also praying that I will be realistic in my expectations. I'm doing lots of research on ways that I can help my son. I am praying that God would help Luke to make the connections he needs to succeed. I just don't want my son to have to struggle all the time.

I am praying that through this whole adventure....Luke and I will be changed. Never to be the same again.

Mourning

Today was the first day since Tim and I made The Decision that I was "by myself." I found my emotions about my decision a little difficult today. I found myself mourning the "What Would Have Beens."

I started to think about the first day of school next year. For Luke...it will be the first day of kindergarten. Again.

The friends that he has this year....will be different next year. At the start of school, he would have been a first grader.

I was amazed at how quickly the positives that I know that this will be for Luke was swamped with all these would-have-beens. I was a little frustrated with that. I finally decided that it was okay to allow myself to mourn the change....or the loss...that will happen because of this decision. I do feel a loss. Right or wrong.....I don't know. It's just how I felt today.

I am praying that with time, I won't feel this loss anymore. I am praying that a year from now I will be dancing with the victory of what God has done in the following year in Luke's life. This is the verse that I am going to claim for this next year:

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
.....and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
Joel 2:25-26

The funny thing, I think maybe I am seeing a little bit of God's repayment. Last night, as Luke and I were playing around in an activity book that I purchased for him, Luke shocked my socks off. He was looking at a page where you needed to match the word with the picture. He asked me what the first word was...and for some reason, I asked him what he thought. "Egg!" And he was right!! He went down the entire page....probably 6-7 words....and he had every one of them right! I was floored. A boy who can't even tell me the name of most of the letters....seemingly read 6-7 words. He read them....either that or he was extremely lucky in looking at the pictures and guessing the word order.

If I doubted that I had any hope left....Hope smacked me in the choppers last night. It left me begging for more.

God's Workmanship

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10

This verse is my promise that God gave me for my Luke. I know that God has big plans for my little man. In the mean time, he is a 5 year old little boy.

And I am his Mom.

Luke and I, and his dad, too, are on a journey together. I would love to say that this journey has smooth paths, with clearly marked turns, round-a-bouts, and forks in the road. Being a person who hates the unknown, I would love to say that I know how to complete this journey from beginning to end. For us, these things aren't true all the time. So maybe instead of calling this a journey....I'm going to call it an adventure. We're on an adventure.

I've heard people say that life is an adventure. One definition I found for adventure is: an activity that comprises risky, dangerous and uncertain experiences. Since life, as an adventure, is usually a long adventure, I will assuredly believe that all of life is not risky and dangerous. Thank goodness. Yet there are certainly going to be times when life is risky or uncertain. For the last couple of months, our adventure has been a little uncertain. More uncertain for me than for Luke....and even for his dad. Maybe because I am the mom and my whole job right now is to raise my son and to make the best choices for him. I am his primary care giver. Okay....I make excuses. I, by nature, take all of life a little uncertain.

For the last couple of months, Luke has been struggling in school. For the most part, he has been thriving in kindergarten; but, in learning his letters and numbers, he has found a challenge. For a boy who loves an adventure....who thrives on adventure....he often "gives up" when things get difficult. When we play a game, if he starts to lose, he will stop the game and "rework" the rules...or just not play . Unfortunately, in the game of school, you can't change the rules. So, in my opinion, he has chosen no longer play.

It has been very difficult to watch my son struggle. When I have discussions with him about him being able to do anything he wants if he just keeps trying and never gives up, I want to cry and throw a little tantrum when he tells me "But, Mom, I've already given up on somethings." How can this smart little boy give up when he is only 5? It breaks my heart.

After a lot of prayer, and a lot of seeking advice, Tim and I have decided to pull Luke out of kindergarten for the year. We are going to give him the gift of another year to mature. This, for me, is where the uncertainty and the unknown I've alluded to in my previous posts, comes to light.

I know that we are making the best decision for Luke at this point in time. I don't believe that this decision will do anything but help him. I have just a lot of uncertainties lurking at me from around every corner. Like....how do I....a person who totally lacks teaching abilities, help my son get the leg up for next year. I'm going to be spending a lot of time researching things....praying....playing with my son and trusting that God, in His infinite wisdom, knows what He is doing.....and where He is guiding us on this little adventure.

I covet your prayers. I will probably be sharing more in the days to come. I've had more thoughts running around in my head than I know what to do with. This has affected me in ways that I would never have quite imagined. Yet, in all things, I will continue to believe that God is good.

Thankful Thursday

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.
-Cynthia Ozick

Have you ever had days where you feel like you haven't done a whole lot....but at the days end you are so exhausted that your body yearns to climb in bed? I have had one of those days. Yet on this side of it, it feels good to be on the other side.

Today I am thankful for:

• the wise people that God has put in my life. I feel so blessed. Knowing how hard it is for me to put myself out there, God has done well to place in my life the people He has. I am so thankful.

• For the affirmations and confirmations that I received today. They were such a tangible evidence of God's confirmation on a decision I feel He made a week ago. It took me that long to agree with Him. Life would be so much easier if I would just get in line with Him so much faster.
  

• That my husband heard my exhaustion and let us go to Costco for dinner. The thought of cooking a dinner and cleaning it up was more than I was able to handle tonight.
  

• That my daughter is being so much more agreeable with her piano practice. Oh how I needed that.
  

• For my family. Each one of them is a precious gift in my life. Without them, my life would be so gray.
  

I am so blessed.

The Unknown

I hate it. Plain and simple. I hate it.

I am not sure there is anything good to say about the Unknown. It is stressful. It leaves way too much open for speculation. For a pessimist....speculation is never good. What is that old adage? Prepare for the worst, expecting the best. I'm sorry. One cannot prepare for the worst without expecting the worst, too. Besides, with the unknown, there is no preparing. And I think that is the root of my issue with the Unknown.

On the other hand, expecting the best seems like a recipe for failure and disappointment. What am I saying? (I'm totally chastising myself here.) I just threw Hope under the bus. Yet as I dance around with Hope and the Unknown, I feel like I am spinning out of control and about to be broadsided by a roaring bus.

Which one wins? Hope? Or the Unknown?

I'm trying to cast my vote for Hope.

Growing Up.

Yesterday was a proud day for this Mom. It has been a while since I have taken a moment to acknowledge that fact. So, I guess I better get busy.

Yesterday, Daria received an award from school for being Responsible and a Good Citizen. I was happy to see that she is more responsible at school than she is at home! I suppose that she is learning something! I am always a proud mom when my kids do their best at school.

Then, last night, when she was practicing her piano, I heard her focusing on a particular part of a song. Usually, she is dashing through her practice, anxious to get onto other things. But, I noticed her playing this part over, and over again. I even heard her express some frustration. I fully expected her to throw a little fit and call it quits. Surprisingly she stuck with it and worked it out.

I was determined that I was going to acknowledge her accomplishment when she came back upstairs. I had spent a lot of time praying over her practicing last year. It was often a source of contention between her and I. So far this year, she is taking a lot more responsibility for her practicing...as well as not throwing these fits about/during her practicing. It really has been weight off my shoulders.

Before I could even get a chance to acknowledge her good efforts, Daria came upstairs quite proud of herself. She gave me a blow by blow description of how she had worked through that troublesome spot. All I could do was smile and tell her I was proud of her for sticking it through.

My little girl is growing up.

Dumping my Heart and Mind

Here I said I was going to get back on track with my blogging. My mind has been consumed with thoughts bigger than I can handle. In fact, I haven't been handling them very well at all. When I am away from the computer, I find myself starting to organize my thoughts and develop a post in my head. Then, when my quiet time comes and my opportunity to blog arises, I find that my words are gone....replaced by a new tangle of thoughts that I am unable to unravel at that moment.

For the last couple of months, I have been wrestling. Wrestling with my thoughts. Wrestling with faith and what real faith looks like in this situation. Wrestling with the profound impact of a decision. When I am truly honest with myself, (which sucks, by the way), the issue I wrestle with smacks my pride. Ouch.

Do you ever wonder why God gives you what He decides to give you? God supposedly never gives us more than we can handle. Yet, when I lay in bed at night, when there is nothing to distract me, I talk with God. I tell Him that I can't handle this. I don't want to handle this. Don't you see, God, I don't want to mess this up. It's too big. Then I cringe because I feel like I have spoken out loud the doubt that swamps my spirit. (Like God doesn't already know!!) Is it doubt in God or is it doubt in myself? Doubt just seems so wrong. Can a mustard-seed-sized faith exist in a sea of doubt?

But you know....everywhere I turn God keeps telling me not to give up. In fact, in church yesterday....in BIG, and bold letters.....written on the wall, no less.... God said:

DON'T GIVE UP!

I guess that is how my mustard-seed-sized faith stays afloat. God keeps throwing out a little lifeline, and I wrap my arms around it and I cling to it with my last ebbing bit of strength. Somehow I have got to keep reminding myself of all these promises. I am thankful that God keeps throwing it back in my face.

Maybe I won't screw things up as badly as I think.....