Dawning of a Realization

According to the Bible, we have all been given spiritual gifts. In I Corinthians 12, these are the gifts that I find listed: some to be apostles, prophets, teachers, workers of miracles, healing, helping others, administration, speaking in tongues, interpretation of tongues. Have you ever taken a Spiritual Gifts assessment? I've taken these assessments a few times. I hate taking them. Supposedly their purpose is to give you awareness of your spiritual gifts so that maybe you can make choices about where to serve in areas of your gifting.

I've always been very frustrated by my results. They've never seemed to "fit" me. I've never felt affirmed regarding my spiritual gifts. When the classes would all be said and done, I never felt equipped to now go out and work in my gifted areas. Honestly, if I am truly get-down-and-dirty honest, I've never felt gifted in anything. I have felt more like a Jill-of-All-Trades kind of gal...."okay" in a lot of things....but never really excelling in any of them. I'm capable....but do I excel? Am I gifted in anything?

In the last few months, though, I have been getting some affirmations from people in a couple of areas in my life that maybe I can begin to feel "gifted" in. I'm still not sure if I should really claim that thought....part of me feels a little arrogant to say such a thought. When I think, though, of the things that people have said to me regarding these areas of my life....I feel like I am just soaking it in like a dry sponge. Absorbing the words, and believing them, I find is difficult.

I will mention one of the areas that I am receiving affirmations. At this point, I think I am going to keep under wraps the other area. The second area is one that I have kind of kept a private secret dream regarding it in my heart. Because of that, I'm a little shy about sharing anything about it. I would also hate to receive criticism regarding it. When I am honest with myself, I am a little shy about sharing the other area, too. But...I guess I will just lay it bare.

On Wednesdays, I babysit at the Community Bible Study program in a neighboring town. I work with kids who range in ages from 15-24 months old. At this age, I find that many of them struggle with separation anxiety. Over time, it has fallen to me to calm them down and help them to adjust. Many of the leaders have spoken words that they feel that I have a gift in this area. I have even watched some of the other helpers try to settle these little ones down....and soon they will place the screaming child into my arms. Somehow, those little ones seem to settle down as I talk with them and play with them. Slowly, I am allowing myself to accept that I am pretty good at doing this. Part of me clutches on the inside when the screaming child is placed in my arms. I worry that I might fail this time. But, then I start to relax and just love on that child. Most of the time, I have success. I am finding it a balm to my spirit to begin accepting these affirmations.

This morning, I found my self beginning to accept the affirmations in the second area in my life. That secret dream of mine seems like an impossibility, so I find these affirmations a little harder to swallow. Also, a lifetime of "self-abuse" makes it way too easy to discredit the words of others. Sometimes it feels like accepting these words of affirmation and believing them feels like arrogance. Pride seems sinful and wrong. Where is the balance? I don't know.

So...now I am left with the dilemma of how to end this post. The part of me that cringes at sharing these thoughts wants to just push the delete button and run away. The other part of me says push that "publish post" button and then go hide under the covers. In a real diary, these thoughts would be solely mine to ponder over. In my blog, they belong also to you, my readers. Sometimes that is scary. I know that I don't have to publish these thoughts...but sometimes it is healing to lay it out there. So here I go....pushing "publish."

Wake me up in a couple of hours.