What Will People Say?

Growing up in a Quaker household, where we have bled gray and white for generations, I've not attended many non-Quaker funerals. I say this because I don't know if "other" funerals are like this. At the funeral for my friend's grandfather, the minister made a comment that the thing he loves about Quaker funerals is the sharing time they have to share memories of the deceased. So...if "Other" people do this at their funerals, then cool. I really do love to hear the memories, hear the stories, and feel the love during the times of sharing. I know that during my own grandparents' funerals, I cherished those times and I didn't want them to end.

I've always been sensitive to what other people say about me....or what I perceive others to think about me. It is a failing that I wish that I could beat out of me. I feel that I allow myself and my moods to be dictated way too much by my perceptions of other people's perceptions. I really put my self to task about that when it comes to mind. I really try to give myself....and others...the benefit of a doubt....especially when I feel negative...or not so great things. It is so hard, though. Yet, I also find that I cherish the positive things that people do say. In fact, lately, I have been saving cards and notes that people give me so that I can read them again when I am feeling discouraged. Not that I have a lot....but they help because I really am my own worst critic.

During the funeral, I had a laughable moment with myself. As I was listening to all the glowing stories of this wonderful man, I thought...."Won't it be cool to hear what people say about me?" Ok....at that point...I will be dead and I won't hear a word that is spoken. So, if you attend my funeral, go ahead and just lay out all the ugly things that I have ever said and done to you. I won't hear! Ignorance is bliss, I tell you. But, honestly, isn't that a gracious thing? At the end of our lives, where we have failed ourselves and others more times than we care to count, all that is spoken about is the good things....the funny times...the tender moments. Somehow, most of the time, grace finds its ultimate showdown in human hearts at one's passing.

Now, if I am honest, I am sure that there are times...probably a lot of times....that when one dies...not all grievances have been covered in grace. Yet, at least there is the decency to keep that under wraps as those who mourn take time to honor the one who is gone. My kids are pretty honest with me right now about the times that I mess up, forget, or just plain missed the ball. I wish that I could hear their words at the time of my funeral. Will I have been the Mom to them that I really wish that I could be? Will God's grace have covered in the holes and gashes that I left behind? I sure hope so, because I know that I make mistakes...daily.

These thoughts also spur me on to be a better person. Maybe it is a selfish reason...that I would like there to be glowing comments made at the memorialization of my life. Yet, would I really like to be remembered as some crabby ol' bitty who has a gigantic chip on her shoulder? Or do I want to be remembered as a daughter of the King...who, though failing at times, still did her best to honor the King? Have I done what I could to further the kingdom of God? Have I loved to the best of my abilities? Have I given until there is nothing left to give? Have I done all those things with the attitude that I should? Definitely gives me food for thought.

It is hard right now not to start getting critical about myself. Those questions really sting right now. I know that I could do better.....I should be better. This was just something I mulled about this weekend as I laughed at myself.....as I was tired and a little grumpier than I wished that I was. I think I will now just sign off and go love on my little Luke.

Life beckons.