Surprising Places

I've had a thought running around in my mind for a couple of days. I haven't written about it yet, because I can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea. Even now that I am sitting down to write about it, I am not exactly sure why, how and where I am going with it. Maybe it will be one of those surprises that God shares with me as I attempt to untangle my mind with words.

I remember, in my younger days, that I use to look at people who were the age that I am right now and I use to think they were "old." Not just physically grown up....but emotionally, spiritually and mentally grown up. They seemed to have wisdom and experiences that were to be admired (okay....most of them had things to be admired! Ha!). So, in self-observation, I don't feel like I have acquired that status yet. I feel like I am still that teen-aged girl, with her emotional baggage of self-worth, walking the halls of Coeur d'Alene High School, hearing and feeling the mocking of her peers. How do you grow up, in your mind, in your own opinion?

Even as I struggle with battles long won that rise up occasionally to test the strength of the cords that bind them, I find myself in surprising places. Or maybe, just a thought, I am the only one who is surprised. I find that I sense people wanting me to lead. The thought freaks me out at times. Those old wounds rise up with their old thoughts that tell me time and time again that I will never win. A struggle goes on in my head....the drive to rise to expectations and the fear that drags me back to old baggage.

I find, that at times, I sense people valuing my thoughts and opinions, experiences, whatever, more than I feel they are worth. What happened a long the growth of time that causes people to place values on the opinion of Me, the Messed Up One? There are times when I sense this happening and I feel like I am standing there shaking my head as if to clear it. Surely I really didn't notice what I just did. Surely they must think I am someone else.

Even as I write this out, I am tempted to just delete this post. I am not sure of its purpose except to clear my mind of it. Parts of it even seem to scream conceit to me. How could I even write such things out? Where do they come from? What do I do with them? I find that it is hard to rewallpaper the walls of my mind with new Truths. The old lies seem to cling with a will of their own to their home of so many years. Even as you rip one down, it seems to coil back up with a uncanny tenacity to live. Even as Jesus sings over me with the Voice of Truth, I find the Lies stubbornly struggle to remain. I wish they would find a herd of pigs to flee to and I'd be rid of them forever. Instead, I find that I daily must ask Jesus to sing over me again. And again. And again.

I am not even sure how to end this post. I feel like I have heard Jesus' voice as I have wandered this written trail. Maybe I will just focus my attention on the Surprises....the blessings...along the way that He has prepared for me. Sorry for my disjointed thoughts.

May you hear Jesus singing over you today.